Well, I'm onto the last half on the last two week wait for IUI's. I actually felt like we timed it perfectly with the HCG shot and sperm count was strong, but nurse didn't mention anything about how good my cervical mucus looked this time. Realistically I'm not holding my breath. I have had 8 IUIs. Although many have been doubled or done on months I didn't even ovulate, it's easier to expect my period in this case then to convince myself EVERYTHING is a sign and symptom. Since get to go to IVF next, I'm at more peace with "whatever happens" than I usually am.
But here I am, sitting alone this Saturday afternoon, dreaming. What if?
What if it worked?!? What if I don't have to go to IVF? How miraculous would that be? I truly believe that even if we do have to do IVF, God will be with me each step and it was still be 100%miraculous. But this month would be a surprise!
I constantly find myself daydreaming about how I would tell my husband. How we would tell our family. Would I be able to wait out till hearing the heartbeat? Would I want to?
I've been taking so many pictures and documenting so many things on this journey, I kind of think a surprise video would be fun. Like invite the whole family over for dinner, and pop it in. Ending it with ultrasound pictures maybe? Playing music from my blog in the background? Crying and laughing as I get to see the look on my parent's face that they will be grandparents again?
I've also thought of inviting my mother-in-law and mom to the ultrasound, by "tricking" them and telling them my OPGYN needs to talk to me and I don't want to go alone. They would walk in to the heartbeat!
Oh and Darren! I love surprising my husband. I've been joking with him forever that when I get pregnant he gets an "automatic" push present (even though he doesn't have to push), he has probably wanted to PUSH me a few times since the infertility journey has been so long and painful, I never shut up! The poor man knows more about female reproduction system than most women I know. He was actually rolling his eyes the other day because a girl at his work didn't know what "ovulating" actually meant. He he. He has never once told me to be quiet and has done nothing but remained strong and positive. He really wants a Bowe's Surround Sound System for our tv....maybe, I could have it all set up when he walked in and just see if he "get's it." I really want to film his reaction too. I'm going to cry so much!
And then, my dreams get bigger. Hearing the heartbeat. Setting up his/her room. Feeling him/her move in me. Despite how sick or tired I feel, feeling happy and content and peaceful.
My little sister is due next month. I've been so private with my family because I don't want to take a moment away from her pregnancy. While one daughter is buying diapers, the other is buying injections. It doesn't seem right to complain, or whine, or even talk much about it when something so beautiful is going on to the other extreme.
We have decided that our IVF is going to be a top secret minus a few people and of course my blog world of friends. In fact, only one person out of all my friends and family have even seen my blog. I will tell my sister and best 2 or 3 friends. I got to have an outlet. But I want to 'regain' some of the fun of SURPRISING. I don't want a million people checking in with me, but I do want a million praying.
And someday, God willing, my dreams become reality. During this last week of the 2ww, I'm going to keep dreaming instead of fearing, come what may.