Insane crazy week of events and emotions. Darren should know about the financial drama tomorrow but has a lot of stress. I should know my HPV results Monday. I start IVF Monday if the prior things clear. THEN...
My little sister's water broke yesterday morning. She had her baby last night. He wasn't due till November 9th so he defiantly came early.
I got there in time to be with her during pretty intense contractions. My baby sister who has a high pain tolerance omitted heartbreaking sobs, groans, and moans during each contraction. She was begging for the epidural but the anesteiologist was running behind. It was really hard to watch.
Finally the anestieologist came and within the half hour she was back to her perky self. I didn't realize "pushing" takes so long. Her and her husband decided they wanted to be alone as the baby was born. It took her 2 hours to push him out. He came at 2:50 am this morning. 5 lbs, 14 oz.
We were all waiting outside the door. We heard a nurse say "he's out" but then no cry. For the next 10 minutes about 6 different nurses/doctors walked in and out, none making eye contact. My mom was in a frantic "why don't we hear the cry?" "he should be crying" "I don't hear a cry." It was silent for a long time.
In those moments, my emotions were raw. I had been doing an awesome job of hiding any jealousy/pain that today was the day my parents became grandparents from their middle born child, not me. I was longing to be crying in pain pushing out a child. I wanted to be in that room, pushing out MY baby.
But in the silent non-baby-crying-filled time frame, all pain from me erased and I instantly realized again people have it worse. Carrying a full baby to term and losing it or having a still born or even the fear that comes with preemies is worse than any IVF treatment. In that moment I prayed and tried to barter with God. God, let this baby be okay. I would give up me every conceiving for him to live. As the long silence continued, my mind raced. There was no sound or cry from the room. God, let him live.
Ryker Joel Jaquith is a fighter. They chose the name because Ryker means strong. He had to get whisked away to NICU on breathing tanks (lungs are not fully developed) but he is going to be okay. Today Heidi got to hold him the first time. She sobbed. My mom sobbed. Something about my mom crying, staring at her firstborn grandchild, reminded me of my own selfish pain. I left for work.
Irony is so strange. During Heidi's labor, I had to take one of my birth control pills. Funny how life works. I will continue to seek and praise my God and trust His timing for our life. I am so deeply happy for them, and so deeply reminded of what may never be a reality for us. Again, the clash of 2 opposite feelings.
Here we are, the new Aunt (me) on left, the new mommy, Heidi, and of course, the sweetest little guy alive, Ryker.
I'm really enjoying reading your blog. I wish I would have kept a journal during ALL of our infertility struggle but I just started ours after our failed IVF. That, in itself is interseting to go back and read.ReplyDelete
I admire your strength.