Today I ran my sister's baby shower. As planned, it was for today considering Ryker wasn't supposed to come till November 9th. She decided to keep it. As the oldest sister, I naturally and gladly am the one who runs the show.
It was perfect. My mom has amazing life-long friends in the church and they come to all our celebrations. I ran the game (Mr. and Mrs. Wright and the Price is Right) and I sat by Heidi and wrote down every. single. item. she received. TWENTY SEVEN gift givers, and over 100 precious little onsies, shoes, dinosaur hats, nipple pads, dishwasher caddies, blankets, hats with ears, medicine, bottles, etc.
I was okay but I have to be honest, I am ready to be away from 'baby land' for a bit. I have learned to swallow the pill that it was God's plan for her to have the first baby and not God's timing for our little boy/girl to enter the scene. I've accepted that long ago. But its all real and it quietly tugs at my infertility struggle and fears.
I've had too many "congrats on becoming an aunt" comments. They are incredibly innocent but this secret blog is where I can throw up my raw emotions right? I have been an aunt to my sister-in-laws baby for 2 years. Don't say "it's not the same, it's not bloooood." I might adopt some day and that baby won't have my 'blood" either. I'm not bitter at all (maybe it's been a rough week). I am happy I am an aunt again, but please please please stop congratulating me on this. My sister went through hell and back to push the baby out. Congratulate her.
Heidi (on me driving her from hospital to shower) started crying telling me that she loves her husband more than ever. Seeing him hold THEIR child that came from THEM. She explained it as amazing. God, I want to feel that so bad. This crazy love all mother's swear by. That glazed look at my husband for giving me this child. The feeling she gets when her baby looks her in the eyes. The beauty of it all actually horrifies me as I realize I may never ever know this feeling.
Thank the Lord IVF is around the corner, there is a little hope left in my soul.
The last hardest part, (and has been), it just the pure fact the oldest child (me) didn't make my parents grandparents, and my grandparents great grandparents. I can get over that. At this point, I want a baby. Period. But my mom felt the urge to share (at the shower) how she has only heard how awesome it is to be a grandma and can now verify that it's true and her crazy love for this baby. Grandma mentioned that he is their "First great-grandchild." The thing is, they have every right to say all this and it's all true. No one should tip-toe around the "infertile aunt." But for some reason I can't help but have an inner cringe and find myself doing an extra blink to hold back tears during these "announcements" or "sharings."
PS. Results are in from the Dr. I have "mild dysplasia" which refers to the presence of precancerous changes of the cells that make up the inner lining of the cervix, the opening to the womb (uterus). The term dysplasia refers to the abnormal appearance of the cells when viewed under the microscope. Basically he thinks there is a high chance it will correct itself and said it's mild. He told me to go ahead with IVF and get another pap in 6months -year. And continue of with IVF I will.
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