Mirages, Miscarriages, and My Moms

November 19, 2012

(Disclaimer, I was 100% I was going to get the pull the plug 'aka progesterone in oil shot" and let it go call that I told everyone at work that knew that i was miscarrying and wrote this post.  However, the roller coaster continues.  They called me and said it only went from 104 to 134 in 3 days.  Still a horrible sign but she said there is a SMALL super tiny chance of hope.  I have to wait an entire week for 1 more blood test and an ultrasound to rule out ectopic.  I'm trying to stay positive: more time to pray and ask for a miracle, 1 more week I get to spend with my little sweethearts.  This post was written before I got the "wait" news.  I want closure and to move on either way. Please hope with us)
I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with IVF.  I knew positive pregnancy would be crazy joy, and I knew negative pregnancy would be deep sadness, but I wasn't prepared for a "congrats" and "I'm so sorry" within 48 hours.  That one is throwing me bad.

In order of my title, I looked up reasons why I would get a positive HPT and blood test all to have it turn into an early miscarriage.  When I was searching I came across this title:

"Chemical Pregnancy, a Cruel Mirage"
"A chemical pregnancy occurs when an embryo does not implant properly. The embryo produces enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, the molecule which is unique to pregnancy) so that it can be detected on the beta HCG blood test and the sensitive uterine pregnancy home tests (hence its name, because it can be detected using chemical tests) , but because it does not develop normally, the HCG levels decline. "

The article goes on to say:
The most difficult aspect of a chemical pregnancy is the false hope that it creates - you get excited that you are finally pregnant - and then you have to deal with the crushing disappointment of having to cope with a miscarriage. For many couples, this can be the last straw which breaks the camel's back. They often find it easier to deal with a negative HCG result ; rather than a result which starts of offering hope by being positive, and then declines.

I couldn't agree more. Cruel.  Crushing Disappointment JUST because I heard congratulations.  I let out a sigh of tension that has been building for years. 

Not to mention the crush of future dreams.  The minute the "ring is on your finger" or you "hold the positive test" you almost hear your baby say "mommy."  It's natural to instantly go to these dreams.

My mom and mother in law were amazing.  My mom instantly prayed for a miracle and told me she already loved her little grandchildren so much.  My mother in law also went to prayer and then reminded me of the positives (hard to see in the moment, but stuff like "knowing an embryo  can stick" and that miscarriages are usually the sign of an unhealthy baby on the way).

A wonderful fellow blogger sent me a little stitched heart with 2 hearts stitched inside representing the embryos (before I knew I was going to miscarry) and I can't let go of it. All weekend, it's been in my pocket, in my shirt, on my chest.


  1. My heart aches for what you are going through. I know the pain of the unknown. I am praying so hard for that miracle. As hard as it is, remember the positive. This gives you hope that is is possible.

  2. I am so, so truly sorry to read this post. My husband and I are getting ready to start IVF after 2 years of TTC and this is one of my biggest fears. I know this was probably yours, too, and I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. Please just remember to not give up. Infertility is one of those things that can take everything out of you, but I truly believe it can never take the chance of us being mothers away from us. I will be praying for you and checking back religiously for an update.

  3. I'm sitting here and bawling for you. I've been away for a few days, and have been praying for you... as I started from the bottom up I experienced a small degree of what you must be going through. Hope. Excitement. Being crushed.
    I am so sorry my beautiful sister. When we got our first positive pregnancy test (ectopic) we were overjoyed. To have that taken away so quickly... I know it's the hardest pain you've ever dealt with. There is nothing I can say to make things better for you or to tell you how sorrowful I am for you.
    Can I just say one thing though? Take time to breathe and remember...
    and then don't give up.
    Keep fighting this, because you're going to beat infertility. I know it.
    It took us awhile to want to try again after our ectopic, and we didn't even discuss going to the next step for about a year. The pain was just too much to bear. After a year we began the IVF process, and I like you loved those two little embryos implanted inside me. It hurt almost just as much when we lost them (and all three other embryos created) and I swore I'd never do IVF -or even want to try at all- again.
    After a small vacation with my husband to a quiet bed and breakfast... and a lot of time talking and praying... we decided to try IVF again. I was really doing it for my husband. I was so sure it wouldn't work for us... I kinda wanted to prove to him how 'broken' I was...
    but you know where that IVF cycle got us and you'll be there someday soon.
    I know it's hard to celebrate in the journey... especially after such a blow like this... but grow closer to your husband and your heavenly Father despite it all.

    ...and fight for that little one that will love you more than you can ever imagine.


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