(Disclaimer, I was 100% I was going to get the pull the plug 'aka progesterone in oil shot" and let it go call that I told everyone at work that knew that i was miscarrying and wrote this post. However, the roller coaster continues. They called me and said it only went from 104 to 134 in 3 days. Still a horrible sign but she said there is a
I wasn't prepared for the emotions that come with IVF. I knew positive pregnancy would be crazy joy, and I knew negative pregnancy would be deep sadness, but I wasn't prepared for a "congrats" and "I'm so sorry" within 48 hours. That one is throwing me bad.
In order of my title, I looked up reasons why I would get a positive HPT and blood test all to have it turn into an early miscarriage. When I was searching I came across this title:
"Chemical Pregnancy, a Cruel Mirage"
"A chemical pregnancy occurs when an embryo does not implant properly. The embryo produces enough HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin, the molecule which is unique to pregnancy) so that it can be detected on the beta HCG blood test and the sensitive uterine pregnancy home tests (hence its name, because it can be detected using chemical tests) , but because it does not develop normally, the HCG levels decline. "
The article goes on to say:
The most difficult aspect of a chemical pregnancy is the false hope that it creates - you get excited that you are finally pregnant - and then you have to deal with the crushing disappointment of having to cope with a miscarriage. For many couples, this can be the last straw which breaks the camel's back. They often find it easier to deal with a negative HCG result ; rather than a result which starts of offering hope by being positive, and then declines.
I couldn't agree more. Cruel. Crushing Disappointment JUST because I heard congratulations. I let out a sigh of tension that has been building for years.
Not to mention the crush of future dreams. The minute the "ring is on your finger" or you "hold the positive test" you almost hear your baby say "mommy." It's natural to instantly go to these dreams.
My mom and mother in law were amazing. My mom instantly prayed for a miracle and told me she already loved her little grandchildren so much. My mother in law also went to prayer and then reminded me of the positives (hard to see in the moment, but stuff like "knowing an embryo can stick" and that miscarriages are usually the sign of an unhealthy baby on the way).
A wonderful fellow blogger sent me a little stitched heart with 2 hearts stitched inside representing the embryos (before I knew I was going to miscarry) and I can't let go of it. All weekend, it's been in my pocket, in my shirt, on my chest.