Too Little, Too Late

December 4, 2012

Today God answered our prayers, it was just with a "not right now." 

The line between hope and miscarriage has been so thin, so intense, so scary.  It's caused me to cry, lose my breath, laugh, pray, hope, doubt, fear, trust, shake.

I'm 6 weeks, 6 days today.  And there was nothing but 1 empty sac on the ultrasound window.  The sac was too little, the hcg numbers went up too late. 

There is this song by Pink called "Try" and the lyrics have been stuck in my head: 
 Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
It is so true.  When there is desire, there is flame, and the risk of being burned is high.  I feel like we got burned. It hurts, it stings.  But it heals.  I like the reminder that "it doesn't mean youre going to die."  Sometimes when life is kicking me and I'm feeling depressed (aka now), I need to remind myself I'm not going to die.

First off, I thank God that I was somewhat prepared for this.  I knew it would have to be a miracle but I also knew that things were not looking promising.   I can't imagine walking in all happy and joyful and then seeing the empty sac.  However, that doesn't erase the crazy sting of the words "that's were the baby should be." and "I'm so sorry."

Second, yesterday in my devotions I came across:

"Rather than trying to take control of your life, abandon yourself to My will.  Though this may feel frightening-or ever dangerous, the safest place to be is My will."

I am a Christian so I don't have much choice to trust His plans.  I don't think it's God's will for miscarriage, but we will in a fallen world.  He knew it would happen and He knows the master plan.  I have to rest that He is in control.

Third, I'm actually hoping it's a blighted ovum or chemical (though they don't think it's chemical since the numbers grew).  I don't want to see the baby when I get my period.  I cannot bear that thought.

My heart is really heavy.  I have been pregnant for awhile, for the first time.  I think the deepest fear is never becoming pregnant.  I mourn the loss of these babies, but I also fear that the next try and the next will result in this type of pain.  Amazing how IVF can produce some extreme emotions of joy and sorrow and amazing how in one shot, I've tasted both sides of it.

I'm trying to be strong, trying to look ahead.  Four frozen embryos, future, hope.  But I will also have to deal with the loss I am currently suffering.  I hated telling my husband.  That look of dissapoint is heartbreaking. 

We serve a God who GIVES and TAKES away.  Thank you so much to all of those who have held us in prayer.  We will hopefully be going after our little frozen babies in the early new year.


  1. I have been thinking about you every day and hoping and wondering and praying and worrying. I'm sorry just doesn't seem sufficient.

    1. Sorry helps :) Embrace your belly each day with YOUR miracle!! I'm going to keep hoping for mine. Thanks for all your kind words. I know you understand this nasty pain of empty womb.

  2. I am so sorry for this loss. I send prayers for your comfort, but God gives strength to us when we need it. Stay strong, because when your miracle does happen, just like for me, it will be all so much greater. Let me know if you need to talk, you have my email.

    1. thank you. I know you also understand the pain of hope and then loss. To actually go through it makes it so much more intense then hearing about "miscarriage." I pray for you guys so much! Hang in there too, it's not over! :)

  3. Holly--
    I am so so SO sorry my beautiful love.
    I know you are so strong and I know you are hopeful for the future... but you are totally right. It's really okay to be sad right now. It's okay to ask God why and be mad at Him a bit. Just keep talking to Him! It's okay to feel confused and scared and sad and so many emotions.
    Then, when you feel like you can, keep fighting. There is hope in your future and you will have siblings for your little one. Siblings you will hold and love and raise. I'm praying for you every day.

  4. I am SO sorry to read this. I've been checking up on your blog and praying continuously for you. Your strength and love for God is inspiring, especially because this journey is a very heartbreaking one that leads many people into being bitter and resentful. I truly want to thank you for sharing every second of this. I will be praying for peace, strength, and comfort for you, and hope that your FET leads you to the baby you've been praying for.


  5. Holly, I am not going to sit here and say I know how you feel because I can never imagion the amount of emotions you are carrying with you. This disease sucks more than anything, but there are so many of us out here that are cheering you on and we have never even meet you! I will pray that God will keep you strong and take care of your little angels now. I can say that you will meet these babies one day and it will be amazing. It is always so hard when we feel like it is our time but God has other plans for us and we always have to remember that he had these plans before we were even here. My prayers will continue to be with you and your husband as you guys grieve through your losses.

  6. So sorry :( Especially this time of year. Again, I know how you feel but at least you have some more embryos left. Right?
    That's what I'm taking from what you said.
    Again, we did it all with no results.
    Hang in there and keep praying and believing.

  7. I wasn't going to comment because this is an old post but I had to. I am so sorry for the losses you went through. i had an ectopic pregnancy almost 11 years ago and it still hurts today. Your blog is helping me know what could be the steps my doctor will take me through in the coming months or years. Your faith is inspiring and I also believe in God's Will. I am sending you hugs and prayers for all you have been through and a big thank you for being brave enough to share your journey.


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