As most of you know, I've been sentenced to 1-2 months of waiting before trying again for our frozen egg transfer. The doctor told me to wait to get my period, but, with PCOS that means I could be waiting for over ninety days. He did say I could induce my period if it hasn't come by the 14th of January, which isn't too far off. However,when you are waiting, each day seems a bit longer than usual. Thinking realistically it will probably be a month before the embryos return to me seems like a mini eternity. On the flip side, the first two embryos were placed inside Nov 4 and it doesn't seem that long ago...
While I'm waiting, God has been teaching me a few things. There is this devotional I bought called "A Jesus Calling" and it's written as if God is speaking DIRECTLY to you. The first thing God has been teaching me came through the book. Recently, it say to get into the habit of saying aloud "Jesus, I trust you" in ALL circumstances.
I hit a low point a few days ago, because I actually told God how painful the whole thing had been. To experience and answered prayer inside my womb after so much trying all to have it literally sucked out of my body. It felt like the answered prayer was "Indian given" if you will. I couldn't sleep that night. I had allowed the true emotions to surface. I thought of Jaden and his/her life with me. He/she should be growing in my belly but instead is gone. It was the first time I couldn't shake it.
But then, I felt like God spoke to me. I'm a Christian. You can't be half Christian, it's all or it's nothing. If I truly am a Christian, than no matter what, I have to believe God is good. All that all He does is good. Period. I than began to realize that my brain is so limited to Him and what He does. I felt like God was telling me that I am not capable to understand why what happened, happened, but to trust Him to remember that all He does is good.
So, with the encouragement from the devotional, I'm trying to get into the habit of whispering, "Jesus, I trust you." It's healing. It brings hope again. It reminds me that a good Creator is doing what is best for us.
I am scared the FET won't work: Jesus, I trust you.
What if I have another horrifying miscarriage?: Jesus, I trust you.
What if I never can carry a baby?: Jesus I trust you.
The 2nd thing God is teaching me is His ways in things. For so so so long, I've been frustrated with God because He is all-powerful. I don't feel like I'm asking a lot when I want Him to simply touch my womb and allow life to grow...heck, it seems like He doesn't have ANY problem doing this for every friend, sibling, and acquaintance in my entire world. I was like, "come on God, with the snap of your fingers you can end this pain." He can do anything, so why not just answer my prayer already??
Today in church our pastor was talking about who God really is. He took us back to Exodus where it talks about God "abounding in love and slow to anger." The pastor went on to read tidbits of when Moses was asked to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt. God had actually said something along the lines of "I've heard their cries and I want to help."
For those that know the story, God freed them, but it was an INSANE journey to the promise land. Even if they would have been perfect angels, they still would have had been in bondage for a long time and then would have had to make the dessert trek completing relying on Him. They still would have been scared, hungry, tired, etc.
It hit me that God could have "snapped his fingers" and showed them His glory by zapping them into the Promise Land instantly. Or the minute they were freed gave them a break by making it a fun mini-vacay to the Promise Land. But it was a journey, a process. Then I realized, there is really no story in the Bible where God instantly does something. Yes, there are miracles that happen fast, but most of the stories involve a journey. Even Jesus, again, God could have said "my people need a link to me, and snapped" but instead, Jesus had to in a sense suffer 33 years knowing He had to die.
My infertility journey is a process and Jesus has not chosen to just let me get pregnant fast. I cannot be mad at Him for this because many people before me also have had to go through long-painful waiting periods to reach the "promised land." At the end of it all, all I can say right now, through my fears, anxiousness, and CRAZY lack of patience for round two is : Jesus, I trust you.
This song called "These Hands" by J.J. Heller has been very very comforting this month.