I posted this song by Plumbline a few days ago called "Need You Now."
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
The part that most captures my attention is the question: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD ME CRY OUT GOD PLEASE TAKE THIS? I don't know. I've prayed it so much. But the 2nd part, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GIVEN ME STRENGTH TO JUST KEEP BREATHING? I don't know the answer to that, but a lot. I've begged God to take this. This infertility dream crusher. I've prayed for him to take it-the IVF process, the embryos, everything. He hasn't taken the pain yet BUT each time He has given me the strength to just keep breathing.
Yesterday was a big step forward for us. I think I was dreading the "after" IVF period. Now that it's here, it's almost over. I get to start femera tomorrow to help me ovulate on my own this month. Soon this painful FET will be a little bump in the past. I'm still bruised (heart and booty) but I am breathing.
I read an article yesterday about an infant who was randomly shot while his mother held him. A friend of a friend who knew she could never get pregnant (since she was young) went through 2 or 3 failed adoptions till they finally got their sweet baby girl (they are mid-thirties). Finally their answered prayer had come (this happened about 11 months ago). 2 months ago her husband had a freakish heart attack and died on a school field trip. These are examples of injustice and true true pain.
While I am heartbroken our little snow babies never get to breath a breath of life on earth, I'm reminded that just beacause I'm a follower of Christ doesn't mean He will answer all my prayers or guarantee me a happy/safe life (although He eventually guarantees that in heaven). Although I'm still mad, through my tears I can admit that He still answered prayers in this FET:
1. He said no; I don't get it, but he does. He promises to do good to those that love Him.
2. I begged God that if the answer was no that I would get the "not pregnant" result and not have to go through the heartache of miscarriage.
3. He is good and He has given me the strength to just keep breathing. I'm alive.
I can't help but wonder if adoption is where He is leading us. It's so hard because all though we are so open to it, we want to experience pregnancy first. Just once. I won't do IVF again if it works. Too insane. My heart and head are nowhere near that idea right now. But perhaps God's plans are reverse. Maybe there are so many closed doors out of His love for us and a child He knows has to have us. The only way we pursue that is if everything else doesn't work. Or maybe He is just allowing this to happen to draw us closer and to have a story to help other women/couples struggling. I don't know. But today, I am thankful. I am thankful there is still hope. We get to try round 3 whenever we choose. I am thankful that I have Christ in my life. I am thankful that through the mess and the cries out, that He is still here, giving me strength to just keep breathing.