I usually don't get my hopes up but this last cycle was different. I ovulated on the cruise and I had the most "non-stressed" sex I've had in a long time. With the low T issue it's hard, but we "tried" a lot more than our normal 2 times around ovulation. When I got the smile face on the OPK it was perfect timing. Still a long shot.
However, here is where Mother Nature has been soooo (read in dramatic voice) cruel to me. For the first time EVER in ttc land I had what could have actually been REAL implantation bleeding. I know it only happens to 30% of women, but 6dpo I had random pink spotting for 2 days. This happened like 9 days before expected period. The first time I saw the spotting, I tried to ignore it, but when it was very noticeable, I sobbed. I cried for 2 reasons:
1. This is the first time I allowed myself to get excited. This has never happened. We timed it all perfectly. What if God is going to let us be one of those miracle couples he "saves" right before our upcoming IVF. The fact I allowed myself to picture myself holding that stupid "congrats your pregnant" clear blue digital test and the fact that I actually believed "MAYBE" made me so happy I cried. For a moment, I even believed "this is probably it" and I cried.
2. But the tears were not pure joy. They were also pure horror. I've very aware Mother Nature is mean (for those that follow, I got MILK coming out of my nipples a week AFTER my D&C). I was scared. Why the random and noticeable bleeding if it isn't implantation? Do I have an infection? Is something wrong? Will this mess with IVF? I went back to guard mode "don't get excited Holly, just wait it out." The tears also streamed down because I'm tired. Tired of month after month after month. I just worn out a bit.
And here my dear readers, is what I'm always venting about, the CLASH of 2 opposite emotions. Expectancy mixed with "don't expect it" is a way worse feeling (when mixed) then the "don't expect it." I HATE the clash. Hot and cold. Black and white. Infertility is full of them. Hope and Doubt. Dreams and Reality. Excitement and horror. Happiness and sadness. Fighting and giving up. Trying while crying. It really really shakes you up inside.
I told myself that I won't mourn this little glimmer of hope that has faded away. Last night the mourning came. My bed had tear stains. I couldn't breathe out of my nose. I wasn't just crying because my period is starting, it was also crying because I know what a "fresh cycle" means/entails. I was crying because there are no guarantees. My husband said "Be positive." Through my plugged up dry mouth I was able to get how "But how can someone be positive when what they are after has failed over 20 times?" Hopeful? I can be that sometimes? But positive? It's only natural to prepare for the worst when the worst has happened almost every month for the last 2 years.
I told myself that since IVF is on the horizon, I'm moving forward with the BIGGEST guns they make for this stuff. But then I remember how it ended last time and again am faced with another clash: Hoping for a miracle, preparing for the worst.