I haven't been "this far" in the BFP quest before. I guess I assumed once I had the benefit of nice doubling betas I would sigh in relief and be just a little guarded (and really excited) for the fetal pole check.
I'm disappointed in myself because I'm doing a horrible job of allowing worse case scenarios to play in my mind over and over. I keep stumbling on blogs of people who (everything looked perfect) and then no heart beat. I'm so jealous of the confidence women have going in to this-many bloggers (not all) go in to it wandering how many implanted instead of if any are alive. I wish I had that.
I'm obsessing over symptoms. I felt on and off nausea even before the test. I have mild twinges in my uterus as well. My breasts are sore. The nausea has died of the last couple days and as it dies, more fear is born. I keep pushing my breast to "make sure" they still hurt. If I feel queasy AT ALL I feel happy. Yesterday I did have a really really weird emotional situation. I was trying to annoy Darren and kept telling a joke over and over again (I was literally cracking myself up to the point of tears), he wasn't as amused. Anyways, when I really really laugh, I usually shed tears-as I reached that point, I realized I was sad crying, like sobbing. I got up to hide my insanity from my poor husband who was trying to watch the Big Bang Theory and took a shower. In there I sobbed, tears non stop, gasping for air. I honestly think I'm in shock. My body has been through the crazy ropes of IVF and there have been so many anxious moments of waiting for hpt and then relief, waiting for first beta-relief, etc. I'm scared and I think my body was wanting to release some of the stress. It was so weird . Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without infertility teasing me. I'm horrified of blood in this situation. Every single time I go I would be lying to say it doesn't pop in my head.
I just got off a low dose anxiety pill so that's hard to since I'm thrown into a more serious than before TWO WEEK WAIT AGAIN for the heartbeat.
I know 85% of pregnancies don't end in miscarriage for women in my age range. I know that a strong doubling beta is a great start. I keep reminding myself that God has brought me this far and no matter what I do/don't do, the results will be the same.
The miscarriage last time was so so sad. I just watched this video tribute I made to "cope" with it (December 2012) and found myself sobbing.
I'm praying for courage to get through the next 2 weeks. I'm praying that God will continue to hold these babies in His hands and let them stay. I've mentioned it before but right around us seeing the fetal pole is right around the time our baby from our first IVF miscarriage would have been born. What a beautiful testimony and circle. I don't in anyway want to "dis" God by just living in fear and worry during this miracle, I've got to get it together. I think I'll go in for a 3rd Beta just for a boost of reassurance. AHHHHH. I'll need botox by the time I'm 31.