42 Days and 42 Nights

October 28, 2013

18 weeks pregnant, 6 days past rupture

My motto for this fight:  Finchè c'è vita c'è speranza:  Where there is life, there is hope.

Today, I'm 18 weeks.  42 days and 42 nights away from 24 weeks, which is our current goal.

If I haven't said it I have a condition called PPROM.  It's mid-trimester premature rupture of membrane.  As mentioned, it happens to .04-.07% of pregnant people.  I kind of have to smile at this (my only choice in the matter) because when people give me stats like that, I don't spend 1 ounce of my brain power worrying about it.  When I hit 12 weeks I read that I had less than 1% chance of any hiccups.  We naturally assume that won't be us. 

The last few days have been incredibly hard for a variety of reasons.  I'm on like 8 different emotional roller coasters:  I range from hope to doubt, fear to courage, faith to panic.  So many women have sent me stories of PPROMers with great results.  In the comments I've been sent to stories of women who beat the odds and held on.  I have also been sent stories of women who went into labor days after the rupture.  There's a support website I checked out and it had 70 stories for women who PPROMED at 17 weeks.  Some made it out with healthy babies, others did not.  I think the most devastating out of all the devastating possibilities would be to make it to 22 of 23 weeks and then infection or labor.  The majority of these stories tell of women going into labor at 19 or 20 weeks.  After all these years of trying, crying, hoping, praying and to know that I am FORTY TWO days away from the hope of raising my child feels insane.  Just over a month.  We are so close.

The Dr. gave me several studies and all the stats were different.  Most women go into labor within 48 hours 75% but then it said up to 88% will go into labor within 28 days.  My OB told me 8 days is the average.  Then I read 2-5 weeks.  I need 6.  Come on body, hold on.  Come on Lord, use this platform to perform a miracle. 

I've been trying to drink 1.5-2 gallons of water a day in hopes of Brinly catching some.  I leak a lot.  The leaking kills me each time.

Another strange phenomena has occurred as well:  my awareness/sensitivity to pregnant people.  I hate it.  When Darren and I broke up in college, we had been in a 2 year relationship.  I remember the first time I went to college youth group I was suddenly very aware of being single and very aware of men around me (this had been shut off for years).  I realized I did the same thing with pregnancy.  For once I could talk "baby talk" with my sister and sister in law with no one feeling awkward or like they were on eggshells.  I was in the mommy club.  24 hours before my water broke I parked in the "Stork Parking" at Babies R US and got to spend 2 hours holding the registering gun that I had earned and dreamed of (this is how I wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday).  When I was at the specialist, a pregnant woman walked by and the sting caught me off guard.  The jealously.  The longing for that.  Then I remembered I'm still pregnant too.

That's the other ridiculous emotion going on.  My stomach.  I'm tall but was DYING to show. I could
kiss anyone who said "you're getting big" and I cherished my growing belly because it was my miracle and evidence that this wasn't some crazy dream.  Maybe I idolized it?  If someone said "You don't look pregnant" it was equivalent to "you're super ugly!" lol.  Because of the water breaking my stomach is way smaller.  Like 12 weeks small.  And it breaks my heart. 

Lastly, some women have been telling me how "strong" I am  (thank you by the way).  The funny thing is this is not a choice.  Some people say "I could never do what you've done/are going through." I've always said that too; all my life I've said I could never deliver a dead child.  God willing, that is NOT the ending to my story, but if for some reason part of His plan, I will be strong by choice because there honestly is no other option.

So, 42 days and 42 nights.  Here we go.  One day at a time.  I surrender it all to Him.  Whether you believe in Jesus and the peace He offers or not, this worship song is my heart cry to him today.

57 comments:

  1. Oh Holly, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I truly admire your bravery and courage. I have been praying for you ever since your first post about your sweet babies and I will continue to lift your family up. I know there are no words that can ease your fears, but know that you are not alone. There are tons of us praying like crazy and God is right there with you no matter what the outcome!

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  2. I'm continuing my morning/daily/nightly prayers for you guys.

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  3. You've got this girl! I know without doubt that those twins are destined for God's greatness! I need to get Chris on here to tell you what God told him, literally waking him up out of a dead sleep, which is no easy thing! Keep believing & you'll be refilled!!!

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  4. Continued prayers! I am standing with you in faith that this will be used as a platform for the Lord to work a miracle. Oh what a wonderful story that would make one day! Praising the Lord for these babies and praying peace and joy over you in the storm. Sending many hugs and much love in Him from Oklahoma!

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  5. Thank you for the update. I pray for your babies daily and think of you often. I pray for a miracle.

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  6. Holly, I continue to pray multiple times a day for you and those precious babies.

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  7. I stumbled across your blog from another that I read often. I have followed your story for quite some time. My daily devotional yesterday seems to fitting for your current situation. I am going to share below.

    Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do. --John 14:11
    ~Miracles can and do happen through your faith in God.

    I know you and Darren have faith. Keep it. Know that I am praying for you, he, and those precious babies.

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  8. i wish i was close enough to squeeze you tight. : ( I pray every single day. NOT silently. OUT LOUD. no matter what the outcome, you've made a difference in my faith and my life and i've never even met you. i know that isn't any kind of consolation but i just wanted you to know.

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  9. Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your family!

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  10. I just want to hug you. You're so right. You're strong because you have to be. For you. For your husband and for your babies. I still feel a sense of hope and faith in your words during each post, and that...shows your strength and grace.

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  11. Still believing with you!!!! Command that body to align up to scripture girl!!! hugs

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  12. Still praying! I think no one is strong enough to deal with something like this. I think women are stronger than we ever imagine and when faced with these things, we do the best we can. Peace and hope to you!

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  13. Every day you post gives me encouragement that you and the babies are still hanging on! I can't say anything that's already been said to you....just know that so many people have you on their prayer lists. I've shared it with my Facebook friends and I know there are several more prayer warriors that are on your side. ***hugs***

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  14. Praying for all of you and waiting for God's miracle here!!

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  15. Good luck Holly! I'm praying for you. I admire your strength and look forward to giving you a big hug once I'm back in the states. Love, Morgan

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  16. Praying the Lord gives you this platform! Holding you in daily thought!!

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  17. You are amazing! I am so touched by you and your story. You give me hope and I'm supposed to be giving you hope right now. Bottom line - you are amazing! Big hugs to all of you. I'm praying for you.

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  18. Hi Holly,
    I came across your blog a couple weeks ago and had to start from the very beginning of your story. But I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and the babies. Praying that God will perform one of his miracles on you and Brinly.

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  19. I am praying for those 42 days for you! You can do it! *HUGS*

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  20. This bible verse came to mind today when reading this post: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12). Where there is life, there is hope, like you said. These babies have already come so far and my faith is not shaking that they will not come so much farther in this journey! Lots of love to you, Darren, Brinly, and Jude.

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  21. 42 days… how could 42 days be so short and so long at the same time?!?! But we're not giving up hope… the Lord has done a lot of really spectacular things in 40 days… praying He gives you at least 42 days to grow these sweet babies! And you are SO strong Holly… stronger than you have to be. You could have chosen not to fight for these babies, but you're giving it everything you've got and asking the Lord to fill in the gaps… that is amazing courage, my friend! Lots of love you you, Darren and your sweet babies! Hang in there girl… we're on our knees for you!

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  22. You are so right. We don't know what we are capable of until we have to go through it. You ARE a strong woman. I'm so glad both babies are holding on tight, along with you. Hugs.

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  23. Continuing to pray for a miracle for you and your family. Our only HOPE IS IN GOD ~ Always! He loves you and those babies more than anything, and He wants the BEST for you all!!! Blessings, Wendy Dirk

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  24. You are a beautiful writer! I know you did not choose this, but God is telling a story through your experien ce. God bless you and your sweet babies. I love them already.

    christy palmer

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  25. Found you through posts of support from others. Absolutely sick that you are in this position. Will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. May the next 42 days fly by and be uneventful.

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  26. Continuing to pray for you all. I have learned through my own infertility journey that we can survive much more than our brain is able to comprehend. However, I must say that your grace and faith in God is such an inspiration to me! When so many would be angry at God, you continue to praise Him and put your lives and the lives of your babies in His hands. Your words and your faith are such an amazing testimony! Praying!

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  27. I can't remember who posted your blog, but want you to know that I am praying for you and your sweet babies every day. I check back for updates daily to see how you all are. While I haven't had experience with infertility I have experienced pregnancy loss and I just want to wrap my arms around you as you wait. 42 days and nights. Come on babies. Oh great healer, keep those babies safe and sound in Holly's womb. Thinking of you.

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  28. OMG!! I TOTALLY know what you mean when you talk about kissing people who say you are showing! I used to weigh over 450lbs and I lost over 230 plus lbs.. so I had excess skin. When I was pregnant with my first child, I just died to show and not look "fat". I am tall too, 6'1" in fact. I have always dreamed of being a mother and carrying a baby.. Anyway-- I'm still praying hard for you. Keep up the good work on resting, growing those babies, and drinking that water!!! XOXOXO

    ugottahavehart.blogspot.com

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  29. Love you Holly! m praying and believing for these little miracle babies. We never ask to have to be strong, but its amazing the strength that we have through Jesus when going through the storms of life. xoxo Aunt Priscilla

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  30. My husband and I are praying for you and your babies.

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  31. Holly I came across this blog when a few of my friends from CBC posted in on FB and realized that you are the Holly that I met years ago at your moms house during my very first Beth Moore Bible Study, "Believing God" It's so funny the way God works because shortly after that study we went through a similar situation with our twins- one wasn't receiving any nutrition during the pregnancy (plus heart issues) and because of that very study I chose to trust and "believe" God. One of my twins was born under a pound at 29 weeks and they are now 5. I wont bore you with the long story but I just want you to know I am praying for you every day! I relate to much of what you are going through. Our doctor literally told us our smaller twin had 0% (yes, zero) of surviving, we were offered selective termination (no way!), and we had to count down the days as we tried to make it as long as possible. Every day between my weekly appointments I sat wondering if my girls were still alive. I don' t know what God is going to do on your journey but I am praying and believing with great faith that Brinley is going to fight her way into this world just like my little Hope did. God has raised up an army of prayer warriors behind you in your weak moments, and in your strong moments of faith, you are pleasing the Lord as you believe. You are doing the right thing by not listening to the statistics, because with God all things are 100% possible. Thanks for updating the blog. Helps to know what to pray for :) take care!

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  32. Many prayers to you and your sweet babies ... they are lucky to have you as their mother (and your husband as their father).

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  33. Prayers from Lebanon, Oregon for you and your babies.

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  34. Still praying for you & the babies! <3

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  35. I have been following your story since a friend passed it along to me the day after your water broke. I have been checking all the updates and my kids and I are praying for you and for your precious babies. One of our daughters has beaten the odds time and again so I am a believer in miracles. Don't lose hope.

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  36. A friend posted your blog to Facebook and asked us to pray for your family. We feel privileged to do so. As I read your story, all I could do was think of your son and daughter. Wow, what an amazing mommy and daddy they have! To love them so much, to work so hard to give them time to live... all the while knowing, the time they live might only be the time they have inside of you. YOU ARE AMAZING! Never let yourself see your body, your journey, this experience as anything but amazing. God made you and your husband amazing, loving, devoted parents. And how blessed are your babies!

    I am just a few weeks ahead of you in my own pregnancy. I've had no serious complications. But my water always breaks before I go into labor. I awoke last night convinced my water had broken and completely fell apart. Mine was a false alarm, a bad dream. I was fortunate enough to wake from it. I lay there awake, counting the days until I would reach 24 weeks, the blessed point of viability for my own pregnancy. I have 23 days to go. Even for me, that seems like forever from now...... I understand that much of what you're feeling. The rest, I cannot fathom, but I am going to pray earnestly for you, your husband, and your children.

    Thank you for sharing your journey, for allowing so many people to lift you in prayer! God bless you!

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  37. Continuing to lift you and your family up in prayer.

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  38. 42 days...you can do this! Your babies can do this! Keep the positive attitude up, though I know it's hard at times. There are tons of people praying for you.

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  39. I just wanted to let you know I am still praying for your babies. I can not begin to even express any of what I'd like to say. I mentioned on another comment that I just lost my twins at 19 and 23 weeks. I was so upset that Noah didn't make it one more week. He had no amniotic fluid left (1.5 or something was the measurement) and I had had amnionitis, which is what caused the birth of the first twin. I write this not to discourage you, but to say that I understand a bit of what you are going through. I pray you will have the miracle I didn't get.

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  40. Sending prayers your way!!! When you put it in the 42 days - 42 nights - it seems like it's right around the corner. You got this!! ((many hugs!))

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  41. I just started reading your blog -- please know there are people praying for you and your babies, including me. Lots and lots of prayer!

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  42. I'm so sorry for the struggle that you and your babies are in the midst of. I hope that God answers your prayers. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  43. You just said something so amazingly profound... you never intended to have to be so strong, in fact you have no choice in the matter. It's not fair, no. It's not right, never will be. BUT you are changing someone's ability to be faithful, someone's outlook on life, someone's ability to see the positives in any situation. You are fulfilling your role in life. You are educating a huge number of women with YOUR story so that we can walk with you, pray with you, hope with you and be better for it in the end. I wholeheartedly believe that you and those sweet tender babies will all be a beautiful story of success and I hope and pray for it every night and every day, which feels rather stalker-ish of me seeing how I just stumbled upon your blog days ago. But you captured me and you have my attention and I have been holding my breath every since. Maybe it is because I am finding myself in a position to want to start a family or maybe it is because I am supposed to just be here to love you, walk with you, and carry a teeny portion of your worry in my prayers. I don't know, don't want to. I just want you to know that you have an army behind you, routing for you and Brinly and Jude, nervously tuning in for the latest. I just want you to know I care. You aren't on this rollercoaster alone and I am not getting off until everyone has completed the ride and is here safely in your arms.

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  44. Praying for you!! I did the same thing with the stats, just ignore them. The God we worship is not a God of stats but the great physician who can work miracles. Praying for you all.

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  45. Holly I am praying for you everyday! Today we had a bible study on fear and it made me think of you. We had to write down our biggest fears on a note card and they gave us 50 bible versus that talk of fear. We had to write down which scripture spoke to our fear. I wanted to give you the link to the scriptures to help you deal with your fear. http://www.womensbiblecafe.com/2011/05/50-scripture-verses-on-fear/

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  46. Still praying! And I thank Him For these 6 days! There is still a long road but I am placing my hope in our Mighty Creator.

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  47. Going through one of my notebooks I came across this from a sermon during the code orange revival at elevation church last year:
    Gods waiting until it gets to that realm of impossibility to give him all the credit!!
    Totally believing this for you! Stay strong momma!!!

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  48. dlowden@lifepacific.eduOctober 29, 2013 at 9:43 PM

    My Friend Lindsey Fehlen sent me the link to your blog because she knows I love, love, love babies! My mom has experienced 6 miscarriages. So, although I don't get it- I have watched my mom walk down this road. I watched her get pregnant with my sister now 2yrs and have complication after complication. My heart is so burdened for you and your husband. As I read your blog my heart sinks, tears roll down my face but I look to God. The master of miracles, the giver of life! I'm not sure what the future holds but my heart is full of hope. I don't know you but I am praying for you Holly; I am praying for your husband and your precious babies. I am so proud you! Thank you for being strong, thank you for being willing to educate and share in the midst of your pain. God bless you!

    "May the Lord bless you and keep you; May the Lord shine His face upon you; be gracious to you; May the Lord lift up His countenance to you, and give you peace". Numbers 6:24-26

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  49. For a perfect stranger in Scotland: Hoping so much for you to make it through this - be in the 10%.

    You're doing everything you possibly can for your babies...

    Best luck - thinking of you and your family

    Kate

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  50. My goodness. You make me cry every time. You are strong. Not because you're doing what you know has to be done, but because you're sharing your story as it happens. That takes a lot of courage and strength to be able to do. Remember that no matter the outcome, you are doing your very best at helping your babies. You're a mother right now. Some people think that parenthood begins when the baby is born. Not for a mother. Parenthood begins when that baby is conceived. You've got to help baby grow and survive while still inside you. And YOU are doing a great job. I continually pray for you and your family. Thank you for sharing with us all.

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  51. Just wanted to let know I can't stop thinking about you guys! I have so many people who are praying for you, Brinley, and Jude and I want you to how loved & supported you are. You have touched so many people long before your pregnancy, and I know that so many people are touched right now by the perseverance and attitude you have. You truly are a fighter, someone not only beautiful on the outside but beaming on the inside with love and life and all things that are good. I hope you know how many people are in your corner, praying and hoping that these 42 days pass quickly and without any complications. I believe in miracles, I believe in our Lord, and I believe in you. You're incredible, Holly. I know this has to be the absolutely hardest thing you have ever been through and we are all here for you. If I can do anything, even send a gift card or something of that nature so you can order food, please let me know. I would LOVE to do anything I can to help you right now. Just in case you lost my email, here it is: brinkmeg@gmail.com

    Megan

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  52. We are praying continuously for you and your family. God's blessings on you in this hard time - may He continue to strengthen you for each day.

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  53. I'm praying very hard for you. And yes, when your back is up against the wall like this, you have no choice but to be strong. It is still bloody admirable :)

    If you have not checked up on/done this already, then here is something that would help guard against infection and also reduce inflammation: take vitamin D, and make sure your levels are high.


    More info on my blog, or google vitamin d in pregnancy, or vitamin d + pprom.

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  54. Sending prayers and hugs to you!!

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  55. Another new reader to your blog. Praying for your family and thinking of you.

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