"An angel held the book of life and
Wrote in my baby's birth
She whispered as she closed the book
To perfect for this earth"
Wrote in my baby's birth
She whispered as she closed the book
To perfect for this earth"
Here we are, back in the labor and delivery room. I'm in Birth Suite 10.
Everything was going fine until Monday night but as I got in the shower, I noticed something. I won't make this entry the horror story my last few days have been, but it was her umbilical cord. The cord had smashed her and descended into the vagina (hardly) so we went straight to local hospital.
After waiting, they finally did an ultrasound and determined Brinly's heart had stopped. Because of this, I was told delivery was "eminent." Darren and I pushed to get transferred to the hospital in Beaverton with the maternal fetal specialist-they agreed and sent us late Monday night by ambulance.
Tuesday morning I had hope again after talking with Dr. H (my specialist). They were simply going to do a surgery where the tied the cord and tried to keep me from going into labor. But when they did a speculum test to make sure that was all, a little foot had descended. I couldn't see it but obviously that changed the game plan. I was given 3 options:
1. Go into surgery and see if they could pull her out/no labor (his hesitation with this was I was only dilated 1.1cm and her head was 3.4. The surgery could be pointless)
2. induce labor and cross our fingers Jude stops with no guarantees
3. wait till morning to see if I dilate a bit more to allow the surgery to help her get pulled out easier.
Tough call but we went with option 3. I knew there was a chance I could deliver her that night (although I was begging God for the surgery for emotional purposes) but we felt like 1 day would allow for the cervix to dilate a bit more.
Last night the contractions started. I asked if it would hurt and they said I would feel "excruciating pain" but that it would not last. I was so so scared and prayed to hold on for the 8:30 surgery. They told me I would contract her out (no pushing needed) and to basically call them when I knew she had ascended. I took ambiene and feel asleep.
As gracious as God can be, He basically allowed me to deliver her in my sleep. I had some strong cramps this morning and when I woke up and went to the bathroom she came out (she had already passed through cervix, the position change allowed her to ascend.) The nurses here are so sweet. It was painless and somewhat of a relief since I just wanted to get the "stillborn" birth over with.
Doctor's watched me closely and did another exam. I stopped labor as of now (they said it can restart but its been 12 hours). If I don't go into labor again, or get an infection or continue bleeding, all bets are off, otherwise tomorrow is the fight for Jude.
8:30 am they will do one last check and if all is good, they will sew a "stitch" on my cervix to help keep Jude in and prevent infection. There is no guarantee this will work as my case is freakishly rare, but that is our best bet for him.
We chose not to look at Brinly but the nurse gave us tons of footprints/handprints and a blanket that was wrapped around her body. She was almost 9 inches and 6oz and perfect.
I know there are no words to say to me in this an that's okay. No more "I'm sorry" or "I couldn't handle that, you are so strong." One week ago I would have said "No way could I ever handle that." I genuinely know you are so sorry as are we. Scriptures/songs of hope and prayers for peace for us and health for Jude is all we can ask for. (side note: to my blog friends who are pregnant please note this happens to less than .4% of people. I don't want you to have an ounce of fear, I was just one of the unlucky ones and that's life). I'll update later but as of now, Jude is alive and fighting.
I love you, sweet cousin. Praying for you, Jude and DarrinReplyDelete
Hi, I have been following your story remotely as you are in the hearts of so many bloggers. Wishing you and your family peace and all the strength to help Jude with his fight. Brinly Joy is such a beautiful name and perhaps fitting as I hope you always hold on to the joy that her presence brought you, if for only a short duration, it shall last a life time.ReplyDelete
Lifting your whole family up in prayer Holly. Again, the tears are flowing. Like jAllen says, Brinly Joy is beautiful.ReplyDelete
Praying for ya'll and for Jude.ReplyDelete
Praying for all of youReplyDelete
I'm so, so sorry. I know nothing I say can help. But I did see a quote on pinterest the other day that may be helpful (or may not be helpful for many years down the road...), but I though was worth sharing.ReplyDelete
Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold, never hungry, never alone and--more importantly--always knew love.
Brinley's short life was spent with her brother, hearing your heartbeat and feeling the love you felt for her already. And she woke up in Jesus' arms.
Prayers for comfort for you and continued prayers for little Jude.
You don't know me, but I've been following your story through a friend of a friend. My journey has been long with 2 miscarriages and losing my son to stillbirth in December so I instantly connected with your story and with your pain. Its been 10 months since I said goodbye to my son and people that say that the pain lessens is wrong...the pain stays the same, but you learn how to cope and God gives you strength on the days you have none. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I'm in prayer for Jude...that he fight and God give him strength. I also pray for you that you are able to do all you need to do for Jude while grieving your daughter. I'm in tears for you because although I've never met you I have felt similar pain. Lifting you up!ReplyDelete
I have a Christian baby name book. In it Jude means "praise". The berse that goes with his name is Psalm 9:1 "I will praise thee O Lord with my whole heart, I will show forth all thy marvelous works". I can't help but believe that God has big plans for Mr Jude.ReplyDelete
Just know we will be praying for you all.ReplyDelete
Many prayers, friend. Lifting up you and Jude and praying God will sustain him.ReplyDelete
Prayers, prayers, prayers.ReplyDelete
So many prayers for you and baby Jude. So many.ReplyDelete
You've been in my thoughts and prayers. I will be praying like crazy for baby Jude, you, and your family. Brinly Joy is such a beautiful name.ReplyDelete
Holly I love you dearly and praying for you and Darren.ReplyDelete
(New Testament) supposed brother of St. James; one of the Apostles who is invoked in prayer when a situation seems hopeless.
-Heidi thought you'd like this :)
Thinking of you everyday with all the love and prayers. Reaching out... And holding your hand from afar.ReplyDelete
Sending many prayers your way.ReplyDelete
I've been staring at the screen wishing the words would change in front of my eyes. Wishing what I was reading wasn't true, and then trying to find the right thing to say. There is nothing to say though.. Praying for sweet beautiful Brinly Joy. Praying that the Lord wraps his comorting arms around your entire family and precious Jude stays with you. Thinking of you always!ReplyDelete
Praying for Jude everyday.ReplyDelete
Sobbing at my desk... I'm just so sorry. There are no words. She was born straight into the loving arms of Jesus. She will only ever know perfect love. Heaven rejoices over Brinly Joy Benson! Prayers for sweet baby Jude... on my knees for you guys, Holly!ReplyDelete
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
Praying for Jude!! Tons of love and prayers for you and your husband!ReplyDelete
My heart is aching for you. I know that no words will make this any better, but please know that you are in my daily prayers. Brinly is your perfect guardian angel.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family.ReplyDelete
My prayers to you and Baby Jude and all your family. I pray for comfort, strength, healing, and above all for the safety of Baby Jude.ReplyDelete
Praying for you all.ReplyDelete
Praying for Jude, you and your family.ReplyDelete
Praying for you all.ReplyDelete
My heart is with you guys. My prayers will continue.ReplyDelete
Sending prayers of peace for you and your husband and prayers of strength and health for Jude.ReplyDelete
Sending lots of prayers to you and baby Jude... hugs!ReplyDelete
Wishing upon everything for strength for you and your family and for Jude to make it. <3ReplyDelete
Continuing to send my love your way, just know my heart and thoughts are with you. xoxoReplyDelete
I'm sending many prayers for you and your family. You are in my thoughts!ReplyDelete
Praying for comfort, peace, and strength for your family.ReplyDelete
Holly, this absolutely breaks my heart. I just wish I could do something to change all of this for you, I know so many of us would do whatever it would to take away your pain. My husband and I constantly pray and think about you both, along with Brinly and Jude. Brinly was an absolute miracle, and even during her time absolutely captivated all of us and was held in thoughts of pure love & hope. Joy, being her middle name, is nothing short of perfect for her for her as well. While you grieve, I hope you know that we are lifting you up in prayer as well as your husband. We also lift up Jude, and pray for God's protection over him. All of your friends are praying for you guys. Sending so much love.ReplyDelete
Holly, such a devastating loss. Praying for you and your family during this hard time and praying soo very hard for both you and Jude!!ReplyDelete
Praying for y'all!!!ReplyDelete
Sending love and light to you and your whole family.ReplyDelete
Praying for your family. Sweet baby Jude, please hang on for your parents. They need you to stay safe and to keep growing.ReplyDelete
Continuing to pray for you and your family ♥♥ReplyDelete
My heart absolutely breaks for you. Praying for you and your family.ReplyDelete
I have been where you are and I know how much you are hurting right now. There are no words to make this nightmare any easier. Just know that I am praying for God to give you strength for the day.ReplyDelete
Sending big hugs, strength and positive energy to you and your family.ReplyDelete
Heaven received a new angel .... Remember that Brinly (as well as Jaden and Isaac) are looking after you and Jude now ... continued thoughts and prayers :)ReplyDelete
I shed tears of sadness for your family and the loss of baby Brinly and tears of joy for the health of baby Jude. best of luck in your continued adventures in family building. you're on my mind daily.ReplyDelete
The words that helped me most (not that anything really helps for a long time) after losing my babies:ReplyDelete
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quick,
My Mommy set me free."
When you're feeling up to it, I also highly recommend the book "Heaven is for Real" - it's about a little boy who dies and is resuscitated but while he's gone he meets his miscarried sister (who he never knew existed) in Heaven. I read it long before my miscarriage, and it's the reason I specifically named my babies post-miscarriage.
Now it's time to root for you, your husband and Baby Jude! I'll be rooting for you every day! Just remember, now all three of you have a guardian angel - she knows nothing but love for you and will watch over you!
Hugs and best of luck!
reading and prayingReplyDelete
Praying for you all.ReplyDelete
Holly, I am so sad at the loss of sweet Brinly. But Jude! Jude is there and he is strong! We are praying for him and you (and the whole family since they are all hurting and hopeful with you). I have lost 10 babies. I got to keep 5 babies though because I absolutely refused to give up trying even though it hurt to hope each time (I knew the odds were always stacked against me). Hang on through the hurt Holly because the reward at the end is more amazing than I can ever begin to describe for you. Sending so much love and prayers. xoxoReplyDelete
Praying! I hope you both hang on!!ReplyDelete
Praying for you, your sweet girl Brinly, and your little fighter, Jude. I truly believe he is going to be your miracle.ReplyDelete
He sees you, He's near you, He knows your face, He knows your pain. He sees you and He loves you and He knows your name.ReplyDelete
Love you lots and we continue to pray
This song has been in my head for a couple days, in part for you. I don't know you, but I wanted to share this song with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyy7K0e__x4ReplyDelete
Still praying. Jan DanielsonReplyDelete
Rest peacefully Angel girl. You are loved by many. Jude has his very own angel watching out for him. ��ReplyDelete
Holly, sweet Jude WILL make it. He's my little champion and doesn't even know it. I've been following your progress/story since I found out about you. I also found out we were due on the same date. And my miracle love is in heaven as of the first trimester. After many years of marriage and thinking this was our lot in life to be childless, we had the surprise of our lives this summer. I've read some of your entries and see how honest and open you are and am amazed. So as I read your story and feel your loss and my loss all over again, I can't help but think our babies are in heaven playing together, knowing how much we love them, and we're ALL cheering on Jude. I can't wait to hear about him growing up. Still praying.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family as you mourn one life and fight for another.ReplyDelete
I'm just so sorry. Crying every time I read an update hoping that there's been a miracle. We lost a twin, earlier but knowing baby was alive and kicking and living, and then not... it's not imaginable. Good luck to you and Jude, God Bless and know that so many people have you in their prayers.ReplyDelete
Holly, My sister attends your church and asked for prayer for you and passed along the link to your blog. I can't seem to get your family off my mind and I'm praying constantly for you to finish out your pregnancy to term so that you may hold your sweet baby in your arms.ReplyDelete
Here's a couple scripture for your family...
Then you shall call, and The Lord will answer; You shall cry and He will say, 'Here I am.' Isaiah 58:9
For this child I prayed, and they Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27
Keep your eyes on Jesus, your heart wide open and your soul sweet...xo
Praying for little Jude. For health, and security and a positive outcome for his life. Praying for peace and comfort to you and your family. Praying that He spares little Jude, and that it is His will to let you keep him. Praying for a safe journey for Brinly into the arms of your loved ones. Over all, praying that you can all find peace in this journey.ReplyDelete
Sending big hugs and continued prayers.ReplyDelete
Holly and Darren, I have prayers coming to baby Jude from my family and friends from Florida, Texas and Kansas! Your story has touched many. Your families have been through so much pain and anguish, and I am praying for all the best in the next 42 days! Baby Jude sounds like he is a little fighter. God bless you all in your continued journey. Carlene MansfieldReplyDelete
Praying for you, for Jude, and for your husband right now. My heart is breaking for you. I delivered our son at that exact gestational age. Praying healing and peace down on you.ReplyDelete
when my cousin had a stillborn birth, all she kept saying is "how lucky am I - I got to give birth to a true angel." love you holly. and darren and Brinly and Jude. keep fighting little boy. i know you can cause you get it from your mama!!!!!ReplyDelete
Father, my tomorrows all rest in your hands. I ask that I can be useful to you today; courageous enough not to worry about tomorrow, and loyal enough to not waver in my love for you and my commitment to you. In Jesus' name. Amen.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and Jude!ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family! Praying for Jude especially that God would wrap himself around him and keep him safe until he is full term.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you and your family. xoxoReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family, with much love.ReplyDelete
Still praying and believing!!!ReplyDelete
I've gone through things that i thought would kock me flat too. Somehow, we find the strength to be upright through it all, and I'll never again say something as unthinking as "I could never handle that, you are so brave." Everybody finds bravery and courage and fortitude when they have to.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and Jude and her safety, and reiterating the Vitamin D thing; deficiency can predispose to a crazy number of complications, including infection. It is a minor, yet possibly important detail to take care of.
Holly. My heart is heavy for you. I continue to pray for you daily!ReplyDelete
Praying For baby Jude!ReplyDelete
Praying... And praying... And praying.ReplyDelete
I have a feeling baby Jude is going to be the next heavyweight champion of the world someday. Praying for you and the whole family to have strength and peace as you move forward with a new mission focused solely on Jude. I am so sorry for your loss of Brinley, but so glad you got the keepsakes to remember her by. XOReplyDelete
Thinking of you and your sweet little fighter.ReplyDelete
That which you have once enjoyed, you never lose. All that we deeply love becomes a part of us. Your sweet Angel will now look over her brother Jude!ReplyDelete
You're exactly right. There are no words. Just know prayers are going up. :(ReplyDelete
My daughter C entered the world in a similar way to your sweet Brinly Joy. It is heartbreaking. Thinking of and praying for your family.ReplyDelete
Prayers to you and your family.ReplyDelete
I have been praying and following you since this summer...my journey is similar to yours. Just wanted you to know that the Holy Spirit has put you on my heart multiple times in the last few weeks. I will continue to trust God and pray for a healthy baby. I wish you didn't have to walk this road of loss. Sending lots of love to you and your hubby. xoReplyDelete
Praying for you!ReplyDelete