Goodnight My Angel

November  17, 2013

I had so many dreams in regard to being a mom and being pregnant.  One thing I couldn't wait for was feeling those "flutters."  Jude had been kicking up a storm.

Oddly enough, I have daydreamed often about being in the delivery room, Darren by my side coaching me, and pushing out our future.  Honestly movies, tv shows, and facebook pictures of pregnant women in the hospital room create a wave of anxiety for me because I automatically think "what if that will never be me."

Last night that was me, but it was all wrong.  Yes, I was getting strong regular contractions.  Yes, Darren was by my bed, in the delivery room holding my hand and coaching me through deep breaths.  But it was wrong.  Not supposed to be here.  We have been ttc for over 1200 days. We needed 21 more days for Jude to have  39% chance.  21 cursed days.  My body had other plans.

The other bitterend was the kicks that I had grown to love, over the last 2 days have brought me deep grief.  I detested Jude's so-longed-for kicks because they would remind me his is alive! He is healthy!  He is perfectly perfect playing in his sack having no clue that his heartbeat was about to stop.  It made me sick to stomach.

Although they couldn't pin point the infection yet, my body wanted something out.  After trying to stop the contractions with pain meds, at 11:00 I couldn't take it.  They gave me an epidural.  With one look at the cerclage the doctor pulled it out and felt inside. 

Our saving grace would be that Brinly's placenta was the infection and that my body would just pass that.  But with a click glance in the doctor looked at me and said "all I can feel is his bag of water, this has to come out first."  Silence fills the room.  She then says "do I have permission to break his water."  Images of Jude stretching so happily in the fluid my body rush through my brain.  That lack of water that killed Brinly and that I so wished I could provide.  His perfect water sack. "Is there any other way, can the placenta shift and deliver first?" I ask.  She sadly shakes her head.  And tells me she is sure I have an infection and doesn't want me more at risk "Just do it then I guess."  Before I know it I hear the sound of a gush and feel warm water on my legs.  My sweet baby Jude. "Oh God" I whisper in a half prayer, half question as to if He is still near?

The epidural kept the pain away and when it came time to deliver, the dr. had agreed to allow me to go to the OR and get sedated followed by a d &C to make sure everything is cleaned out.

They rolled me back and I touched my stomach one last time "see you on the other side" I whisper to my angel.  When I woke up, it was over but as they were wheeling me back to the room, Darren told me that he had held Jude.  I was so anti-seeing Brinly because I knew she wouldn't look like a baby at 18 weeks.  He looked normal Darren said.  Suddenly my fear left and the mom that I am (although the world will never know it) wanted to hold him.  And I did.  He was perfect as ever.  He was beautiful.  Everything formed, gorgeous face with a nose that looks like mine.  I held his hand.  I kissed his head.  I whispered "I love you." This just isn't fair.

I am very afraid of the grief and sorrow to follow.  I'm afraid that I will burn with memories when I see a pregnant mom.  I'm afraid the wrong turn down a Target aisle can lead me to unconsable tears.  I'm scared of how long this will hurt and the days and the months to follow.  What if I change?  What if I'm harder?  My daughter died just 3 weeks ago and my son?  This morning.

A few people have asked again"how are you doing?" and I almost snicker.  The typical American answer is  "ok" "alright" "hanging in there" "surviving"

You want to know how we are really doing?

Imagine the strongest physical pain you have experienced, mix it up with what you dread the most coming true, then throw in a death, and then another death, and then throw in the sound of your family weeping, and a young mom who just had 2 hearts ripped out of her as she literally holds her dream in arms that is truly beautiful yet hopelessly dead,  mix in seeing your strong father sob and your confident husband stare at you with eyes like you've never seen before-eyes of pain as you yourself cry out "I cant take this any longer" and all he can do is helplessly watch her suffer as she loses his baby and then add the taste of bitterness and antibiotics lingering in your mouth with doctors poking and proding and breaking water=that is how I am. 

143 comments:

  1. I am so so so sorry you had to endure this kind of pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  2. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that you have had to go thru all of this. It is so unfair. :(

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  3. You don't know me and I have been following your story off of someone on Facebook saying if you have an extra prayer please pray for them (them being you). I'm so sorry I'm in tears tonight reading about this. I question why God why? I know he has plans for you but for some reason I find myself really angry with him tonight. I will continue to pray.

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  4. I am angry for you. No one should know this feeling. My heart is breaking for your family.

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  5. There are no words I can share, but I'm praying for a power and peace bigger and stronger than any of us can understand to fill you. "God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted."-Matt.5:4

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  6. There is nothing I would rather do right now then hug you and cry with you. My heart is breaking for you and all the pain that you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I know those words will never be enough, that nothing will ever bring you total peace or comfort in this storm. My heart aches for you and your family right now. ((Hugs))

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  8. I am incredibly sorry for all the loss you have gone through. I am praying for you and your family and that God is holding you tight.

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  9. I am so sorry you are going through this pain and the loss of your babies. My heart just breaks for what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers with you and your husband.

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  10. My heart broke as I read this and I have no words to express my deepest sympathies. God bless you and your family.

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  11. My heart is so broken for you and husband. I know there are no words to help your pain, but I hope you can find some comfort from your family and friends. I am so very sorry that this happened to you.

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  12. Through this blog, the world knows you're a wonderful mother. You did your best to love and protect those precious angels for the short time you had them. No one will ever contest that.

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  13. As someone dealing with infertility and multiple losses my heart breaks for you. I've only read a couple of your blogs but I'm so sorry you have to deal with this unbearable pain. Its unfair and I pray for you and your hubby that you can make it thru this dfficult time and hopefully one day you can bring home your rainbow baby.

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  14. My heart breaks for you!!! I am soo sorry that we live in a cruel cruel world. I hope for fast healing and I pray for you and your family. I wish there was more to say, more to do, to make this better, take away all this pain. Heaven received another angel :(

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  15. You have such courage to even write this post and sharing your raw and honest heart. Thank you for being transparent. Blessings

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  16. Dear Holly
    Not so long ago, I cried with happiness as I watched your beautiful gender reveal. I am now sobbing as I read of your perfect little Jude's passing. I truly can't imagine how you are feeling, you have cruelly, once again... lost a part of yourself.
    Please know, from the other side of the world, that you, Darren and your precious family are being thought of so often. Be gentle on yourself, and take life...minute by minute.
    You are an amazing, inspiring and strong mum.

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  17. i am so so so sorry for your losses. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  18. Holly, I am so deeply sorry. You are in my families prayers.

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  19. I am so sorry, which just seems miniscule but there are no words that are appropriate when the unimaginable becomes reality. My heart is broken for you! Praying for you both.

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  20. Oh Holly, I'm so sorry! There are just absolutely no words to describe the depths of my sympathy... I wish so badly that there was something I could do, something I could say to fix this, to comfort you, to offer you hope, but I am at a loss. I weep with you tonight at the loss of your son, your daughter... for each child you have lost. I'm thankful Jude woke in the arms of his Heavenly Father, but oh how I wish things had turned out differently! Praying for your heart, for your faith, for your spirit... abiding with you, my friend.

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  21. All of this brings back the loss of my boy/girl twins at 20 weeks. We also believe it was due to an infection. My story unfolded much like yours and it makes me cry to know two more beautiful lives were lost and another mother is without her babies. I am so sorry. So so sorry. My heart and eyes are crying for you and your husband. I know exactly where you are at in grief and loss so if you need someone...someone who knows better than anyone else what you went through, please contact me. It's been 2 years now since I lost my babies and I could help. Am I over it? No. But I am healing and feeling a little more normal. I am also a testiment that even after a horrible loss like this, there is still hope.

    Please, if you need to vent, talk, or just need support contact me.

    Alissa (MissConception)
    missconceptionads@hotmail.com

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  22. I think and pray for you and your family often. My heart breaks for you as I read this. You are and always will be an amazing mother .... Your babies are together and looking down on you. I wish there were words to comfort you. Please know you are not alone.

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  23. I'm sorry you had to experience this kind of pain. Praying that you find peace and comfort.

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  24. I cant even imagine the pain you are experiencing. It breaks my heart to read this. There are so many people thinking of you and grieving with you. Just know you are not alone.

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  25. My husband and I are sitting here completely paralyzed with sadness over the loss of Jude. I can't tell you how many times I have kept refreshing your blog for an update, just pleading for good news. I know all of your family, friends, and readers have been. I just don't understand why this had to happen, especially to someone as loving, caring, faithful and to a beautiful spirit like you. My heart feels shattered for you and Darren. I can't help but feel angry, this is just not fair. Please know we are praying for you and covering you with prayers in the days & months ahead as you grieve. We are all here for you, Holly.

    Fly high baby Jude.

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  26. There aren't any words that can take away your pain. I have no idea what the "right" words are. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

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  27. Sobbing and praying even though I have never met you.

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  28. I wish I could hug you and weep with you. I am sorry upon sorry. May God wrap His arms around you and comfort you, weep with you, and love you. You will be on my mind and in my heart forever.

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  29. So many prayers with so few words. I've never been one to ask God "why," but I just can't stop shaking my head and asking Him. Pondering Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." So very sorry.

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  30. Holly there are no words to adequately express how many ways my heart is breaking for you. I will continue to hold your family in my prayers. This just isn't fair.

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss Holly. I cant imagine what you went through. I have been reading your posts for sometime now and your babies were constantly in our prayers.

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  32. God bless you...I am so so sorry.

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  33. You don't know me, I have been following your story through a friend on Facebook. We just lost our son on nov 6th. Different circumstances, we were given a fatal diagnosis for him on May 3rd so we had time to prepare. My heart just brakes for you and your family and I read this with tears because I understand a bit, but not all of your pain. I'm not going to quote scripture to you because it's obvious you know it. All I can say is, eternity is a MUCH longer time than our life here on earth. I hope that you can find comfort that you have what I think is 4? Babies in heaven that you will get to be "mom" to for all of eternity. Sometimes looking at things from this helps me. Though it may not seem like it now, our life here is just a vapor. Eternity is forever.

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  34. I got Steph's text as I sat in church today. There are no words for how broken I feel for you. This will change you. It can't not change you. I hope with all of my heart that the love from hundreds of people who don't even know you, yet love you, your husband and your babies will help restore some fraction of comfort in you. Your honesty is refreshing. Keep writing.

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  35. Holly, I am so sorry!!! I am praying for you and Darren!!! Love your sister in Christ!

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  36. You don't know me, but I've been following your story for sometime now. I just wanted to let you know how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your sweet little boy. I know nothing I could ever say will make it any better, but I have been praying for you, your husband, and all of your little angels and will continue to pray that you find some comfort and peace at the end of all of this. Those babies are so incredibly lucky to have you abs your husband to call mommy and daddy! God bless you both.

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  37. Praying for you in this terrible time of grief. I do not know you, and almost didn't leave a response, but I want you to know that strangers are crying out to God on your behalf. I am praying for your healing, and that you may be blessed immeasurably.

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  38. I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I pray that you find the strength to heal and find peace during this horrible time. Many, many thoughts and prayers.

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  39. You don't deserve this. I am sooo sad for you. Please Lord, give Holly some peace somehow. And take good care of her babies until she sees them again. Amen.

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  40. My heart breaks for you. This is so unfair. So unfair!!! I will be praying for you, your husband, and your family as you navigate this next journey in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss. So, so sorry.

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  41. You don't know me Holly but I have been following your journey for a few weeks now. I have been praying hard for your family and I am enraged on your behalf at what has transpired. Words, of course, can not even begin to do justice to what you and your husband are going through right now but please know that there are many around the world who hold you in their thoughts and prayers. Sending you truckloads of hugs and much love.

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  42. Holly,
    My name is Amanda Provost and I don't know you but I read your blog about three weeks ago and at that time was also pregnant with triplets. On November 2 I also had PROM at 18 weeks and 3 days later delivered my sweet Will at home. I was brought back to the hospital and readmitted and was doing very well and then infection set in and last Tuesday I delivered my sweet Kate and sweet Luke. I am now back at home and my husband and I are trying to adjust to our new normal, we are so heartbroken and fragile but we trust that God is still on His throne and still in control although we don't like what has happened. Our stories seem very similar and I would love to talk with you if you ever want to over email or whatever I just felt the Holy Spirit was telling me to reach out to you since we are going through similar situations. Praying for you and your husband and your entire family as you grief these losses as well.

    Amanda
    Amanda.t.provost@gmail.com

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  43. I don't know you either, but I have been following your story for a few weeks as well, checking it daily for good news...I am so sorry that you and your family are in such devastation. My heart breaks for you and this awful awful news...praying ever so hard that you can find strength to carry on and peace in knowing your angels are all together now. Your strength leaves me awe struck.

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  44. Sending all my guardian angels to be by your side, to watch over you and yours tonight and in the coming days and to help guide your sweet baby boy up to meet his siblings in the safe comforts of heaven. May peace be with you.
    Alexis-

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  45. I am still crying after reading this. How I hoped with my whole heart that this would not come to pass. Saying I'm sorry doesn't feel like enough.

    I'm glad to see that MissC left you a comment with her contact information. That you have someone to talk to who would truly understand.

    Sending oceans of love to you and your family tonight. And grieving the loss of another angel gone too soon.

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  46. Prayers are being offered up all over the world for you and your babies.

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  47. Hugs to you, for comfort. Prayers for your grief to make you stronger, not harder. And Hope to not give up on your dream.

    10 years ttc with losses, failed adoptions, I nearly died in labor after a very trying pg, & now a 3 year old I would go through it all again for! God took a very long time answering my prayer...spent many years thinking it was "No". But it was only "Not right now".

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  48. My "not now" lasted 14 yrs. In the meantime, God had other plans which I knew nothing of nor was interested in at the time of my countless IVF attempts and failures. "Adopt" He said. How could I? I was so filled with broken promises and dreams. I pursued none of it. God pursued me. He gave me a random dream of a darling 3 year old girl and in my dream He plainly said "You will adopt this child". The next night we were sitting in the 3rd row of our church (as always) and across the isle was the little blond toddler in pigtails waving at me. Her look alike brother age 4 smiled too as he glanced our way. All of the doubts and concerns of my ability to love a child ever again vanished in that single moment. Fast forward to now. They became ours, as did 2 other children God gave us. And yes, we did have 1 biological child..all of which are on their own with their own famalies now but the youngest. Holly and Darren I don't believe the final chapter of this book of your life is over. And until then, we will pray, love and be anything for you that you need. Someday you will realize just how many lives this has touched. It will be many. Love you.

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  49. Am so very sorry! Will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this extremely difficult time.

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  50. Sometimes when God answers a prayer, all I want to know is 'why, Lord?'. This is one of those times. I'm so sorry. There are truly no words.

    Family, friends, and many strangers the world over are aching with you and your family tonight. We recognize your pain, and we will not forget your children.

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  51. I cry hot tears of pain for you. The agony of loss, the feeling of betrayal by our bodies who failed us when we needed them the most. The terrible unfairness of it all. The utter lack of control over any of it. Mere words fail to convey how sorry I am for the losses of your beautiful babies. You are an amazing Mother - you did everything you could to protect & save them. Your love for them will carry you through the darkest days. I pray for strength for you in the coming days. The next weeks will be terrible with what feels like more betrayals - the post pregnancy hormonal crash, your milk coming in, your belly returning to "normal" too quickly - all things that felt like such insult to injury. I say this so you are warned - I was not. My advice is to turn towards your husband and hold on tight during this roller coaster of grief. Be gentle to your self and your body. Accept all the help that's being offered - food, laundry, cooking, cleaning. You need to rest & recover and they need to feel like they can help you in some small way. Men and women grieve differently but if you keep the lines of communication open, you'll make it through this even stronger than before. We named our daughters Faith, Grace and Hope because we knew we already had Love and would need all 4 of those things to make it through. I pray for all of those things for you & Darren too. ((hugs))

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  52. You are a wonderful mother and you are loved. M

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  53. I am so very sorry for your loss and the utter hell you are having to endure now. I'm also so angry with the doctors who continue to transfer 2 or 3 or more embryos to women. I'm losing count of the number of people I have seen go through this heartbreak...it needs to stop.

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  54. I cried as I read this. There are no words to express how sorry we all are, but I hope that you can feel our hearts reaching out to you.

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  55. Dear Jesus, where are you for Holly? Where are you????!!!!!!!! I'm so deeply, deeply sorry. I cannot imagine the hell. You are in my prayers. This is so unfair.

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  56. I am so sorry Holly. No one in the world deserves to go through what you have been through. My family is praying for yours.

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  57. There just aren't enough or big big enough words to say how sorry I am. Lifting you up, crying with you.

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  58. I have no words. I have been watching your blog all day waiting for an update. I am so deeply saddened by what I just read. I am so beyond sorry for you and Darren.. and both of your families. I know that nothing I say is going to make it any better. I just hope you know that you have so many people lifting up prayers for you. I cannot imagine the pain and grief you are suffering right now and I am so, so sorry for that. I am glad that you were able to hold Jude. To see his beautiful face. My eyes are filled with tears for you right now. Again, please know that you have so many people praying for you.

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  59. I am so terribly sorry and I pray for you every night. This is all so unfair and you just did not deserve this. I hope time will help you find peace.

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  60. My dear Holly. What raw emotion and feelings that make perfect sense during this time, and probably for a long time. There continue to be no words. Crying with you on this day.

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  61. Holly. I am so sorry for your loss. I only recently started to follow you. I, too, am in Portland. If you don't go already, may I suggest the monthly Resolve meetings that happen and / or the Brief Encounters meetings. These helped me through my losses and journey. I wish I could change things for you and Darren. My heart goes out to you.

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  62. I am so very sorry for both losses. I will be praying for peace.

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  63. I am angry too. It just isn't fair. Know that you and Darren are amazing parents. Continuing to pray for you guys. I know it won't be easy but take it one day at a time. xoxo

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  64. Oh Holly! I am so sorry this happened to you and I am angry for you as well. But the other part of me is so very happy that you held Jude, Darren too! (I mentioned in an earlier post that I hoped that if it came to this, you would so that you wouldn't regret it.) I can honestly tell you, because I have been through this.. that you will cringe when you see other Mothers in Target.. and for awhile, you may cry. I couldn't put myself in those positions for a "long" time but each and every person is different. You have to allow yourself your OWN grief path. For me, I had to be proactive in my grief. I had to speak about my son, do things to keep his memory alive-- release balloons for him, research different support groups, speak to other Mothers who had been through loss like I had (because those who haven't walked a mile in your shoes simply don't know the burden we bare). I wish I could tell you that this pain goes away easily, but it doesn't.. what I can tell you is that time WILL ease your pain. I pray that you are able to be strong during this horrible time of loss. Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. And remember, your Angels are with you-- they hear you and they feel your love!

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  65. I found your blog through a friend of mine and have been following your journey and praying for you over the past few weeks. This morning I read your post with tears streaming down my face . . . I am so incredibly sorry . . . there are no words. Praying that God will bring comfort and peace and, in His time, children to fill your arms.

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  66. I found your blog through your cousin who posted on BabyCenter. I have been following for a few weeks but never posted. My heart is incredibly broken for you. I know there are no words to help ease your broken heart. I pray god heals your pain and wipes away your tears. Hang in there. You are so blessed with a wonderful husband and family. Lean on them when you need strength and comfort.

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  67. Oh Holly, I have no words but I do have prayers. Strong prayers for healing, comfort, grace and peace.

    <3 in Him

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  68. Dear Jesus, Words cannot heal the pain Holly and Darren and their families are going through. Only You can make sense of this whole nightmare. I ask you to envelop each member of the family with your loving presence and peace. And when the grief and pain become overwhelming, pick them up and hold them close, so they can feel the everlasting arms supporting them and giving them strength to go on.

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  69. I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Please know that you and your babies are in my thougths.

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  70. My heart breaks for you & your husband. I am so, so sorry you have to endure this. Those babies were/are so loved. Sending thoughts of healing, peace, and hope.

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  71. I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family.

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  72. This story tears at my heart. God blessed me with two boys, but my baby Andrew died at two months of age about a month ago. Since then, I have been struggling to hear of people who have lost their babies, no matter how "big" they were. I will pray for you every single day, and I'll ask my Angel to pray for you, as well.

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  73. I have no words Holly...I am simply praying.

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  74. I have no words. Just tears and prayers. I lost my baby boy Isaac at 18 weeks two years ago and my heart is just breaking for you. So many hugs and prayers.

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  75. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 22 weeks, almost two years ago.
    It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I can not begin to imagine what it must be like for you to lose three of your beautiful babies.
    I am sending you love and strength to get through this. I know nothing I say can bring your babies back. Know we are thinking of you. hugs

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  76. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Words cannot express how sorry I am.

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  77. Your grief and sorrow will be strong, it will ebb and flow like waves. You will burn with memories, and tears, whenever you see a pregnant woman or hear/see twins. You will take a wrong turn down an aisle and begin to cry in public. Your hurt and grief will last the rest of your life, though the intensity will change. You will change, and you already have. Your address book will change; let it. People ask how you are because they don’t know what else to do, they don’t know how to act/respond and they are trying their best; that doesn’t mean that they will always say/do the best things for you. Your children are loved, so continue to parent them in the ways that feel best to you, even though it never feels like it’s good enough, because the only thing good enough would have been if your Brinley and Jude were still here with you. Keep an open line of communication between you and Darren, but remember that you may not grieve in the same way, in the same time frame. Sending love to you, Darren, Jude and Brinley.

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  78. I read your story after a link on facebook and I am so sorry for your loss. I know first hand how hard it is as 5 years ago I lost twin girls at 18 and 20 weeks after two miscarriages. There are some differences as I learned early on there was a 50% chance of my babies making it as they were "momo" twins. I was told if I could make it 24 weeks they would put me in the hospital the remainder of my pregnancy. I ALMOST made it but did not and had to deliver my babies after finding out they did not make it 2 weeks apart. I spent a week in the hospital trying to have my sweet little girls and finally after A LOT of different medications and ways of inducing labor it happened. I did hold my tiny babies but nothing could take away the pain. You will grieve for a time and the pain never goes away but it does get easier. I went through a time of bitterness and sometimes just wanted to punch people for the things they said but it passed. Again I am so sorry for your loss and just know you are not alone. I wish you much peace and the strength to carry on.

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  79. You are a mother and though the world can not see it from looking at you, you know it in your heart and that is what matters. I lost my twin girls at 24 weeks so I know the pain you are going through. Reading this brought me back to that delivery room 5 years ago. So much hurt, anger, fear, why me questions, etc.... I am here to tell you that the memories will always be there, but the pain does get better over time. I still think of them everyday though.

    Don't go to Target. That was the biggest mistake I made. I swear pregnant women and moms are the only people that shop there. I didn't leave my house for 3 weeks because I couldn't handle the belly bump sightings- it caused too much anger and fear inside me.

    I highly recommend you reading Empty Cradle Broken Heart when you feel you are ready. It is a great book about dealing with the loss of an infant.

    Join virtual boards with others that have experienced loss. Follow blogs. Do anything you can to surround yourself with people who understand. Friends and family will be there for a while, but when the pain gets intense in a month or two, they have moved on and don't understand why you are still crying. Talk to God, scream at Him, tell Him how angry you are, just don't ever stop talking to Him. Faith and Hope was the only thing that got me through.

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  80. Oh Father, we so wanted the story to end differently this time. We wanted Holly and Darren to hold living children in their arms. Our hearts are breaking, and I know Your heart is breaking for us and with us. As Holly and Darren held Jude in their arms, would You hold them in Your arms? Caress them with Your Spirit, soothe their aching hearts as they find their way into the future, a future that You hold, a future that You beckon them into through faith in Jesus. Rebuke the enemy's lies. Replace his lies with Your truth. Give them strong evidence of Your presence, flood their hearts with Your peace as they grieve. Let them pour out their hurt and anger in Your presence, and heal them through Your mercy and grace, comfort and love, hope and peace. We ask in Jesus' name, amen.

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  81. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. I can't imagine the pain and struggles you have been through the last few weeks. I only know you through following Megan @ A Brink Adventure as a type of 'prayer chain' she created. I've been sending many prayers your way and I will continue to do so. You WILL make it through this because you have faith. You WILL make it through this because you were meant to have a family. I believe it and will pray for it for you. I'm so sorry it has to be this way :(

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  82. I have been checking your blog every hour hoping for good news. There are just no words. I am truly, deeply sorry for your losses...no one deserves to go through something like this. I will be thinking about you and your family daily.

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  83. My heart is broken for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers that you can find any form of peace during this unbearable time. I'm so, so sorry.

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  84. Holly dont know u but i also went through something like that.7 yrs ago my husband and i were expecting our firstborn a baby boy.which by the way we named him Christopher Ray.he was born at 7lbs 6oz 20 inches good weight. But something went wrong we were getting ready to go to the hospital that night i could feel the baby moving and kicking.so.we arrived at the hospital nurses started to check me and all that stuff.then the nurses were there talking among them self thinking i didnt know english and said that my baby was not moving no heattbeat no nothing.my mind and heart started racing very fast.then dr walkes in and confirms that there is no more baby.it turns out our baby boy was a stillborn.i was able to hold him and batptize him.it was the worst day of our lives.but only gods know why.this happened in Aug 06.then it turned out that our baby was still born and had the cord warp around his neck 2 or 3 times.we went to the hospital with the clothes for our baby as well as a carseat.but we walked out the hospital with just a box of his personal belonging like pictures and his prints of his feet.and other stuff.it was very hard to leave the hospital empty handed when one goes in as a family of 2 and expects to leave as a family of 3.all i can say is that time make u adjust and cope with the loss of a loved one in ur case ur 3 angels.but god will help u and give u more when u least expect.it happened to us. God decided he wanted our firstborn but he granted me 3 precious gifts after our loss. So just give it some time and god will do the same for u guys as well.will keep u in our prayers.

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  85. Saw your blog post from the Kuntz family on FB - I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Praying for you, your family that the Lord will scoop you into His arms and comfort you during this most difficult time.

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  86. None of my words can bring you the peace you need, but I am praying to our Heavenly Father to supply all your needs. May you receive the peace that only he can give.

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  87. I have no words, none that can accurately express how terribly sorry I am for how this pregnancy has turned out. Just know that I'm praying for you, as I have been all along, with every ounce of my soul.

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  88. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I pray you feel the Lord's presence during this time. He is near and He is catching every one of your tears right now

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  89. There are really no words that are going to make you feel better, but please know that I am thinking of you and your husband during this awful time. No one should have to go through something like this.

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  90. I am so very very sorry.
    But I'm glad you got to hold your son. It helped me to hold my daughters, seeing how perfect they are, even when I was losing them in those same moments.
    Thinking of you and sending you much love.

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  91. I can't stop crying for you. I don't even know what to say, but just want you to know that you are loved. I am thinking about you every day and PRAYING, BEGGING God to wrap His arms around you. Your little angels will never ever ever be forgotten.

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  92. I'm so terribly sorry...there are no words to comfort you now, but I pray for you and your family and for your sweet angels. The hearts of the blogging world are with you. I have seen so many posts in your honor. In your sweet twins' honor. Love and prayers.

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  93. I'm sorry you hurt. I don't know you at all, but I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You didn't deserve to lose any of your babies. You deserve to be a mother. You deserved to bring home your babies. I don't know why God saw fit for this to happen but I pray that He will comfort you and your family. I pray for peace, though I know it will take some time before it comes. I am just so terribly sorry. :-(

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  94. Oh Holly, I am so sorry. I've been following you for the past couple of weeks now and I am just so devastated for you! :( I hope that you're able to find some comfort in Darren. May God bring you peace and comfort. Thinking of you and your sweet babies.

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  95. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I've been following your story for a few weeks now and would constantly check for updates, always hoping for the best. This is an unthinkable outcome. My heart breaks for you, and your entire family remains in my thoughts.

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  96. I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your husband.

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  97. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for strength in the coming days and peace. Please know y'all are heavy on my heart and I'm sobbing reading y'all's story!

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  98. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine your anguish. I'm crying with you and praying for you. May God's peace that surpasses understanding cover you and your family today.

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  99. Holly and Darren.... I cannot even imagine the pain and loss you feel. I thank you for posting this. It's beautiful. My heart breaks for you and your family. I am praying for you and will continue for a long, long time. ...... Debbie Johanesen

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  100. Oh, Holly. I woke my husband up last night sobbing after reading this update from you. Waves of grief wash over me even now, as I come back and attempt to write something here. My heart is completely and absolutely broken for you and your family. Sweet baby Jude is at peace in the arms of a loving Father and with his precious siblings, but I know that that brings you very little comfort right now. I wish I had words that could bring comfort to your soul, but I know that nothing anyone can say will ease the pain right now. I'm just so, so sorry. So very sorry. I won't pretend to know what a loss this profound feels like, but I will share this website with you. It's the blog of a fellow mama who has suffered great loss (3 little boys) and is still walking in faith, and faith alone: www.dianawrote.com. You are not alone.

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  101. My heart hurts for you and your husband. Praying for comfort for you. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  102. I am so so sorry for you and your husband's loss. I can not even begin to comprehend your pain but I am so heartbroken for you. I am sending you much love and prayer.
    God Bless.

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  103. Holly and Darren - First of all, I just want to say how sad I am for you and also how much faith I have that God will bless you both with your hearts deepest desires. He is always faithful and holds you both close to His heart. I have only been following your story for a few weeks but have prayed for you both daily. Sending tons of love, strength and prayers your way!

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  104. I am so so sorry for your loss!! My heart goes out to you & your family.

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  105. Holly and Darren- I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words, but our hearts grieve with yours. Thank you for your honesty.

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  106. I am SO incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I send you hugs and prayers for comfort. I also had to wait to become a Mom (took us 6 years). It is so hard to go through.

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  107. Tears streaming. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I have been thinking of you often and will continue to do so. Your strong faith is so inspiring. Vanessa, New Zealand.

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  108. I am so so so sorry for you loss. I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and was very touched by your journey. I have been hoping and praying for a miracle for you and your husband. It just is not fair this has happened to you. My heart breaks for you.

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  109. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I was crying as I was reading this post. I have been praying for you and your family. One of my favorite stories is "Footprints."Just remember that it is through the trying times in life, God is carrying you.

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  110. There are no words. My heart is with you and you have my prayers. xoxo

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  111. My brother and his wife lost their son at 39 weeks in August. Landan was stillborn. Your sweet babies were born into enteral peace also. I told my brother and sister in law the only thing I could think of for comfort. Your babies only know peace and love. They will never experience pain and heart ache here on Earth. May you feel all of the prayers wrapped around you and your husband.

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  112. I don't know you, and probably never will, but when someone shared this weeks ago to pray for Brinley, I had to keep checking, I had to follow your story. I have no allusions that anything I say will do anything, other than maybe give you another reason to stare at a computer screen blankly as you try to absorb real life in this new reality. But my heart broke, and I cried reading this, and I wish there was a fairness court we could go to, to demand justice. I don't know what God has planned, but right now, all I can think is, it better be huge.

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  113. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine the pain and sorrow you feel right now. I have been praying, everyday, for you. Words can not express the anguish I feel for you.

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  114. I am new to your blog and also wanted you to know I am so so sorry for your losses. You have special little angels that you will one day hold again. My sister just delivered her son at 20 weeks, and it was the hardest thing to watch her go through. Holding these little angels is such a special, precious time. I hope your heart heals and you feel God's arms wrapped around you during this time. I wish I could give you a big hug. Sending lot of love and prayers your way.

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  115. I don't know what to say other than that I was following along quietly and wishing that anything but this would happen. Anything but this. I'm so very very sorry.

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  116. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this painful journey. Losing a child at any stage is the most difficult experience any woman can face. I have been on this journey too...but I can tell you that one day at a time is all you can do. Slowly, each day you will somehow be able to breathe a little easier, but take as much time you need to cherish every little kick that you miss. Thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead. Peace to you. Allow yourself to feel every emotion on the spectrum. In time, you will begin to put one foot in front of the other again. xo

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  117. My God, no words for your pain! I lost one stillbirth, I can not even imagine your pain. There are no words to comfort you. I am so so so so sorry.

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  118. No no no! I am absolutely heartbroken for you. You are such a strong woman and I have prayed for you every day and will continue to. I am crying with you and this was the last thing I expected to see when I checked your blog. Words cannot express how sorry am I for your loss.

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  119. Holly, I am new to posting here, and was only just introduced to your very thoughtful writing and blog about four weeks ago. In that short time I have been checking my laptop every day, waiting, wondering and hoping that each day will be good news. I think that a part of the universe is crying with you today. I don't understand, and can't even begin to justify what has happened. It's just so very sad. My loving hope for you is that when the fear to try again has subsided, the medical community will have a better idea on how to handle your particular infertility issue. Nothing is impossible, and there are amazing minds out there working hard every day to help beautiful souls like you and your husband achieve parenthood. I am holding you in my virtual arms, and sending love your way.

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  120. My heart sank when I saw this post. I've thought about you every day since I found your blog. I have wept for you and your wonderful husband many times. Know that your family is in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.

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  121. I am heartbroken for you, so sorry for your losses <3 <3
    I don't really have words to say all the things I feel, but I need you to know, that you will make it, eventually the sorrow and grief will pass and you will hurt less. You will change but it is ok to change. You'll be new for and because your little angels, they will forever be a part of you.

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  122. So very sorry for your loss! Jesus LOVES you so much. When the time is right, check this out... http://www.popepaulvi.com/index.php

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  123. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are both going thru. I have been where you are and I understand. When you lose a child a piece of your heart and soul goes with them to Heaven, waiting for you.
    My problem was being able to stay pregnant. I had endometriousis. I have four angels waiting for me.
    But I was lucky and God gave me my perfect, sweet, rambunctious boy. I was terrified my entire pregnancy, so afraid to allow myself to believe this time things will be ok.
    I hurt so much for you and your husband. I will pray for you every day asking God to give you your miracle. Stay strong in your faith but allow yourself to mourn and weep.
    Hugs
    Sarah

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  124. I can't say i know how you feel because i don't but it saddest me to read your story. It is not fair that you or anyone who struggles so hard to have a baby and would so obviously love a baby unconditionly weather it was special needs or normal. God has something special in his plans for you and your husband. God sees what we can't and what drs can't even imagine i know this May not make you feel better but maybe God took them to protect them and you from something he knew those babies and you could not handle.i am truely sorry for your loses. I pray that god show you exactly what he has for very soon.

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  125. i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This is so unfair. This is so very unfair.

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  126. I am so, so sorry to hear this. I pray for strength for your and your family. Take care of yourselves.

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  127. There are no words I can come up with to adequately express how much I hurt for you and your husband right now. I also know there are no words to make it better or make it stop hurting and that "I'm sorry" becomes meaningless after awhile. Just know that I am keeping you, your husband, and your sweet babies in my thoughts.

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  128. I wish there were words to erase the pain. I wish there was a way to change outcomes. I hope you can take some comfort that you will see all your children on the other side. Im so sorry.

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  129. There are no words. I am so terribly and deeply sorry. As much as this hurts my heart, I cannot fathom how you are feeling. I pray that you find strength and courage in the coming days. God bless you.

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  130. I'm so sorry sweety! Praying for time to go quick so some healing can occur!! You are in our thoughts and prayers continuously!!

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  131. Holly, I know that nothing we say can change anything you are feeling right now. My heart is truly aching for you and your loss. Tears are rolling down my cheeks for someone I don't even know, but for the pain I can only imagine and and Darren are feeling. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you to heal and get through this broken heart you both have.

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  132. Holly, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your losses. I don't have the words and I don't think they would help much now, but I am another person thinking of you and feeling for you and shaking my fist at the universe that such things can be allowed to happen. I am so sorry and wishing you peace and healing in time.

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  133. Holly I've been following your blog through my cousin Megan. I'm am deeply heartbroken for you and your family. If only there were words I could say to make the pain even a little less. I'm so so terribly sorry. I myself have been through Ivf as well and had 3 miscarriages. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you as strong as ever. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family.

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  134. I am so, so sorry. No one should have to experience the hell that you and your family have been through. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

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  135. Having lost my only child and then struggled with infertility I know that there are no words that will make you feel any better but just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you. God loves you more than you can ever know.

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  136. My deepest sympathies sweetheart. I am so very sorry you are going through this nightmare.

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  137. I just had to post again. I'm still thinking of what a tremendously rough time this has been and is and I'm so deeply sorry.

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  138. Remembering you today and am still heartbroken for what you've gone through and am so thankful for the blessings that have come since then. Love you Holly and Darren!

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