Last night we had a scary extra bleeding episode at the hospital. The blood looked the same but it wouldn't stop for the first time. By the time I laid down, my legs were shaking. I know medically speaking we are in the best place we can be for our position. Losing Brinly gives Jude a better chance at life, and praise God we did not have to make the decision of ending Brinly's life-He did it shortly after we declined. I hate that we lost her but the doctors think that since the sac had burst, it was Jude's best bet.
The confusing thing for most of my friends/family/followers is Jude. People are constantly asking "How is Jude?"
The funny thing is, Jude is perfect. He has his own nice full water sac. His heart rate is dead on. In the hospital they did a couple ultrasounds where we saw him stretch, yawn, and put his hands in his mouth. I felt him kick for sure for the first time and Darren was able to feel his son kick for the first time. I cried. Every time I hear his heartbeat (every day for the last 12 days) or see him twist and twirl on the ultrasound the risk of loving him increases. There is no concern that something will go wrong....with him. Allow me to explain.
I struggle falling asleep at night because my mind runs. Flashbacks of the cord hanging out. Flashbacks of hearing "I don't see a heartbeat." Last night I had a vision of freshly caught fish that was on the shore, flipping around gasping for air. I felt like that fish.
All my life I have served God. I have been 100% faithful in following the Bible, loving others more than myself, following the rules and trying to treat people the way He would. I fully believe in miracles. There are several examples in the Bible where God simply had to speak the miracle and it was. The blind were healed, the deaf could hear. Jesus rose from the dead.
And here I am, a desperate fish gasping for a breath, struggling, suffereing, in a world of pain. "God! Lord? WHERE ARE YOU?" With one simple word He can throw me back in the water and save me. But He is not, at least at this point. I am not angry, but feel so forsaken, so abandoned. I know He never leaves me and I accept that His ways are higher, but here I am, hour by hour flopping around desperate for Him to save me. I told Darren that I no longer have the strength to pray. Not out of anger, but out of speechlessness. Over the last 3 years in our battle I have BEGGED God:
1. to help me get pregnant
2. to let IUI #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8 to work
3. to let IVF #1 to work
4. to do a miracle in our first pregnancy and help my baby beat the odds
5. to let the frozen transfer to work
6. to give me healthy Triplets (yes, once I put in the 3 on IVF #3, I WANTED them all)
7. to protect to my twins
8. to save Brinly and fill her water sac
9. to not let me go into labor with Brinly (after her heart stopped) but that she would remain in my body till the end of term
Every answer: No.
I told Darren I just don't have the words. The "let" and "help" have echoed into an empty cave.
This is not to say He hasn't given me strength to face things I never could imagine. This is not to say He hasn't given me an incredible passion for women who struggle with infertility. This is not to say that I love my husband more than I ever imagined. This is not say that I will have a crazy fierce love for the baby I hold someday (unlike those women I
Caroline, a sweet blog follower sent me a book today called "I Will Carry You." I've only read the beginning. The woman had three girls before she had to go through the loss of her 4th (to be honest, it's hard for me not to judge "but she already has kids, it's easier", I know that's not fair). BUT, I have already learned something.
The author points out that in several miracles in the Bible people did not say "Raise him from the dead" (Lazarus), or when Jesus turned the water to wine at the wedding, Mary did not say "Can you make some more wine" or "Can you LET there be more wine." She simply stated the problem to Jesus "There is no more wine." And stepped back to see what He would do about the problem.
I like this. Although it's so easy (and not wrong by any means, bringing our requests to Him), but for me, where I am now, rock bottom, speechless before my king, I'm simply going to state the problem:
Lord Jesus, I love Jude so much. He is at great risk. We could get an infection. My body is haywire. I could go into preterm labor. I'm bleeding a lot. I am really really scared.
And release it to Him. I'm going to step back and see what He does.
This is a beautiful post. Praying for you.ReplyDelete
Praying with you, hon.....ReplyDelete
Your test is great but your testimony is beautiful. Probably not what you really care about right now but I just wanted to let you know!! So many prayer warriors carrying out your prayers for you!! Just focus on your family. We've got you covered!!!ReplyDelete
Praying for you every single day.ReplyDelete
You have a beautiful heart and soul. Your post reflects the feelings of so many going through infertility. I pray for you, Darren and sweet Jude every single day. You have so many people pulling for the three of you.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family. This is a beautiful message. I am sad that is took great loss that caused you to write it, but happy that you were able to share it. It will change the way I pray as well.ReplyDelete
Holly, I've felt the EXACT same way for weeks now... I'm gasping for air, struggling to be strong in my faith, to encourage others, but all around me there is suffering and I just want to scream "DO SOMETHING!" Heal them, fix this, save Brinly, make this FET work, etc and it's just not happening and I feel forsaken, like my prayers are bumping into the ceiling, like someone stronger than me needs to pray. Like maybe a prayer warrior could get the job done, but obviously, I am not one. But I am reminded of this verse:ReplyDelete
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 8:26
He cares Holly. I don't think we will ever know why the loudest, strongest, most urgent prayers of your life have gone unanswered, but it is NOT because He doesn't care. In the midst of your wordless prayers, the Holy Spirit groans on your behalf. Hopeful that Caroline's book and friendship can be a source of comfort and strength during this time.
I know you know this, but He is with you, every step of the way. None of the pain, or infertility is from Him. None of it. It's all goes back to what happened with Adam and Eve and how they let evil enter this world. God has brought you life, and because of that the enemy is angry and wants to steal, kill, destroy. The enemy isn't happy right now and he is going to do everything in his power to get his way. Command him to flee - from your body, from your mind, from that hospital bed, from Jude. Because Christ is victorious, we have the authority to command this, and the great thing is the enemy has to listen! The Lord wants this baby JUST as much as you do. He loves life. It's a joy to Him, but right now the enemy has to much of a grasp. Praying!ReplyDelete
I will never pretend to know what you are going through. I had a very early miscarriage earlier this year and it was not a planned pregnancy. It took me months to "get over" it. I really don't think I have, but I ended up getting pregnant again in May, which gave me other things to think about besides my baby that never was. In reading your list of 9 things you have prayed to God about, all having to do with just wanting a healthy baby, it has me humbled. You are so much stronger than you know and have came such a long way for this, I pray that you will soon hold a HEALTHY little Jude in your arms. It is okay to be angry, it's okay to feel how you are feeling. I don't know you, but I am thinking about you, every day.ReplyDelete
I am here for you. I don't have any big words of wisdom or a biblical quote that will make you feel better. Just know that I am praying. Just know that I care.ReplyDelete
This post was so well written. I hesitate to say 'a great post' because everything about it is far from great. I am praying for you- physically, mentally, and spiritually. You have been through and will continue to go through so much that only the Lord's guidance can get you through. I will also pray for all of those around you to offer you the support you need whether it is in words, action, or silence.ReplyDelete
I have commented a time or two before, but I wanted you to know that I think about you and your family every single day. Your story is heartbreaking and inspiring all at the same time. You have strength that I could never even fathom. I know that there is nothing in the world that I could say to help you right now, but wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and have been this whole time. I can't wait to finally hear your good news that you so much deserve.ReplyDelete
I can see where you are coming from Holly. I'm praying and hoping that everything turns out just the way you have asked. xoxoReplyDelete
Holly, I completely, totally, wholly understand where you are with God. I know we haven't ever had a "faith" conversation, though, I have always known you were a sister in faith with me. I could feel it, somehow. I, too, did all the "right" things you listed above and I, too, (though in a very different way) had my world fall all apart, and found myself empty...not sure how to even approach my faith after the devastation. I am on the other side (I think?) of the daily pain, but I am still rebuilding my spiritual life, and it looks very different now. I do not tell people I will pray for them often anymore, but I WILL pray for you, and more than that, I will hold you in my heart, and please know that. I look forward to holding your sweet little baby someday and seeing your smiling mommy face. I believe that will be reality. Love to you, hon. Please feel free to email me directly if you want. Hug.ReplyDelete
I am praying!!! Here is a video http://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY that encouraged and reminded me that everything has purpose even when we do not see why. Love you my sister in Christ and lifting up the three of y'all right now!!!ReplyDelete
This is how I pray and I'm praying with you.ReplyDelete
This whole post is beautiful, especially your prayer at the end. Continuing to lift you all up.ReplyDelete
Praying for you each and every single day, Holly and Darren from Bend, Oregon!! So many hugs, TeresaReplyDelete
Sending you prayers and hugs. As I read your updates, my heart breaks, I understand your grief and pain, and I thank you for being brave enough to share all of this with us. I wish I had the words to help you, but just know that my husband and I are keeping you in our thoughts.ReplyDelete
You do not know me and I cannot fathom how difficult this journey has been for you and your husband. However, I just wanted to let you know that I'm part of a mama's board and there are SO many women there that are following your story. We all have our hearts invested in your journey and we pray that Jude will remain healthy and you'll make it to the end. You WILL get to hold that sweet baby boy of yours. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.ReplyDelete
Holly, I just pray that he gives you comfort. You have been through way too much this year and haven't once been able to just relax and enjoy pregnancy. That's what hurts me the most for you... that even after infertility you continue to have to battle. I'm so glad you liked your necklace!ReplyDelete
I'm praying for you! My heart is breaking every time i look at your blog! I hope that if i'm ever faced with 1/3 of what you have had to face that I have the faith you have had thus far! Let others carry you now! Thinking and praying for you and your beautiful familyReplyDelete
I found your blog thru a friend of mine & I read every day. I pray for you all & I want to reach out & try in any way to bring comfort. Of course, I know that's not possible yet. I lost my triplets with my first pregnancy. Thankfully it was in our first trimester but heart wrenching all the same. I think of what life would be like with them & what their personalities would be. Here are some thoughts that have brought me peace since then: I think of Job losing all 10 of his children at once. Then his animals (his fortune). Then his health. Then his wife (going thru her own horribleness) tells him to "Curse God & die". That must have been such another blow. But unlike Job we don't have to think that this tragedy is from God - we know it's from Satan trying to rock our faith. It's because of Adamic sin (Rom. 5:12) I think of how God gave Job double all his flock & all his possessions but he only received 10 more children but then I think how in the resurrection he'll have 20 children (double). "God is not unrighteous so as to forget your work . . ." Heb 6:10 He hasn't forsaken you but you certainly haven't received his promised blessing yet. Please try to remember Job & remember that Job didn't receive his full blessing of his children either in his lifetime but he held fast to the promise knowing the time would come. Your time will come too! My time will come too! And, lastly, as I read you page I think time & time again of James 1:13 "For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone." This is EVIL & WRONG what you're going through & there is someone to blame - Satan. You know this is a test of your faith. These things are NOT from God. But he will make it right in due time. I pray daily for you all & I pray for all your children knowing they are in God's love & will be given to you in time. So so so so sorry you're dealing with this!ReplyDelete
A Pastor in a church I used to attend tools me once, not to pray for physical healing or for emotional support, etc. But instead to pray for the affected person to understand the situation and have faith that God has a plan and that not all roads are smooth. That through the rough times Jesus carries us and guides us to the light at the end of the storm. There are situations that this advice seems solid... but for yours, to me it seems cruel. With this said, I will pray for you to have an event less pregnancy to term (no preterm labor, no more bleeding, no infection or any other pregnancy related complications) and I will also pray for you to have peace of mind about all your fears and past experiences so that you may enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and grow your bond with your beautiful baby boy! Let your love flow for him. It may let the hurt in, but it will also let in the joy! I look forward to seeing you write good things in your next update!ReplyDelete
Praying for you and hoping so hard your prayers are finally answered.ReplyDelete
What a beautifully, honest post. I truly hope that your prayers are answered and you bring a healthy, happy Jude home because he deserves the love that you are ready to give. Much love coming at ya, friend!ReplyDelete
This was such a beautiful post.ReplyDelete
I'm thinking of you often.
When I don't know what to pray, I hold fast to these words.ReplyDelete
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:25-26
I am so glad you got that book! One of the things I wanted to send you! That is definitely God in getting that book into your hands. I'm praying for you my sweet friend.ReplyDelete
It isn't fair, easy, explainable, right, or just in any way, shape or form and sometimes being rendered speechless is exactly what you need to hear what lies ahead. I'm not making light of anything that you have and are going through. I just have experienced times where the storms were so intense for so long that I couldn't grasp EVER seeing a break let alone getting an answer to a prayer. Your faith isn't going away but it does likely need some good solid rest from worry so until this storm has passed a little more my gentle suggestion is just hold on. Don't expect anything from yourself and don't try and figure anything out - just hold on. Everything will fall into its own place in its own time. Praying for you!ReplyDelete
I found my faith being tested most of my pregnancy. I was on hospital bed rest for almost 3 months with an incompetent cervix and fully dilated and I made it to 36 weeks 6 days. Keep praying. You have come so far in this journey and you have more passion for a child than some moms out there. You are so deserving. There is nothing anybody can really say or do to 'help' with your losses. I am so sorry you had to go through them. It isn't fair. Try not to give up and try to keep the faith. I know from my experience that the strength I had to get through all of it has made me a better Mom to my daughter now. I came out a better person for her and for my husband. I will pray for you and Jude and your husband.ReplyDelete
Praying for you and your family every day. May you know His mercy anew each morning.ReplyDelete
Beautiful post, step back and see what He does. My heart and prayers are with you. I think of you every day. May the Lord bless you and keep you. When you don't know how to pray, pray the Lords Prayer as told to us in the Word. It brings so much peace. I understand loss and fear and it is the hardest thing you will ever do.... losing a child and fighting for the life of a child. Sending you, your hubby and Jude hugs and deepest prayers.ReplyDelete