Last night we had a scary extra bleeding episode at the hospital. The blood looked the same but it wouldn't stop for the first time. By the time I laid down, my legs were shaking. I know medically speaking we are in the best place we can be for our position. Losing Brinly gives Jude a better chance at life, and praise God we did not have to make the decision of ending Brinly's life-He did it shortly after we declined. I hate that we lost her but the doctors think that since the sac had burst, it was Jude's best bet.
The confusing thing for most of my friends/family/followers is Jude. People are constantly asking "How is Jude?"
The funny thing is, Jude is perfect. He has his own nice full water sac. His heart rate is dead on. In the hospital they did a couple ultrasounds where we saw him stretch, yawn, and put his hands in his mouth. I felt him kick for sure for the first time and Darren was able to feel his son kick for the first time. I cried. Every time I hear his heartbeat (every day for the last 12 days) or see him twist and twirl on the ultrasound the risk of loving him increases. There is no concern that something will go wrong....with him. Allow me to explain.
I struggle falling asleep at night because my mind runs. Flashbacks of the cord hanging out. Flashbacks of hearing "I don't see a heartbeat." Last night I had a vision of freshly caught fish that was on the shore, flipping around gasping for air. I felt like that fish.
All my life I have served God. I have been 100% faithful in following the Bible, loving others more than myself, following the rules and trying to treat people the way He would. I fully believe in miracles. There are several examples in the Bible where God simply had to speak the miracle and it was. The blind were healed, the deaf could hear. Jesus rose from the dead.
And here I am, a desperate fish gasping for a breath, struggling, suffereing, in a world of pain. "God! Lord? WHERE ARE YOU?" With one simple word He can throw me back in the water and save me. But He is not, at least at this point. I am not angry, but feel so forsaken, so abandoned. I know He never leaves me and I accept that His ways are higher, but here I am, hour by hour flopping around desperate for Him to save me. I told Darren that I no longer have the strength to pray. Not out of anger, but out of speechlessness. Over the last 3 years in our battle I have BEGGED God:
1. to help me get pregnant
2. to let IUI #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8 to work
3. to let IVF #1 to work
4. to do a miracle in our first pregnancy and help my baby beat the odds
5. to let the frozen transfer to work
6. to give me healthy Triplets (yes, once I put in the 3 on IVF #3, I WANTED them all)
7. to protect to my twins
8. to save Brinly and fill her water sac
9. to not let me go into labor with Brinly (after her heart stopped) but that she would remain in my body till the end of term
Every answer: No.
I told Darren I just don't have the words. The "let" and "help" have echoed into an empty cave.
This is not to say He hasn't given me strength to face things I never could imagine. This is not to say He hasn't given me an incredible passion for women who struggle with infertility. This is not to say that I love my husband more than I ever imagined. This is not say that I will have a crazy fierce love for the baby I hold someday (unlike those women I
Caroline, a sweet blog follower sent me a book today called "I Will Carry You." I've only read the beginning. The woman had three girls before she had to go through the loss of her 4th (to be honest, it's hard for me not to judge "but she already has kids, it's easier", I know that's not fair). BUT, I have already learned something.
The author points out that in several miracles in the Bible people did not say "Raise him from the dead" (Lazarus), or when Jesus turned the water to wine at the wedding, Mary did not say "Can you make some more wine" or "Can you LET there be more wine." She simply stated the problem to Jesus "There is no more wine." And stepped back to see what He would do about the problem.
I like this. Although it's so easy (and not wrong by any means, bringing our requests to Him), but for me, where I am now, rock bottom, speechless before my king, I'm simply going to state the problem:
Lord Jesus, I love Jude so much. He is at great risk. We could get an infection. My body is haywire. I could go into preterm labor. I'm bleeding a lot. I am really really scared.
And release it to Him. I'm going to step back and see what He does.