In Loving Memory Of Brinly and Jude

November 23, 2013

Quick update: miraculously my stomach has almost returned to normal (I can wear normal clothes and no one would dare ask, and I'm only 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight) but my milk is still down pouring.  My poor chest is in the cycle of being bound, double sports bra, ice packs, cabbage leafs, and nipple pads.  Yesterday it leaked all over my clothes.  It will be nice when that dries up, but many women have warned me that a new wave of sadness may come with that too.

During this pregnancy, Darren and I documented SO MANY joyful occasions in hopes of making a video for Jude and Brinly to show them someday.  We have video footage of me with the positive pregnancy test, telling Darren's grandma we were having triplets, a hidden camera of my parents reactions when we got to make our so-longed-for announcement, ultrasounds, and our gender reveal party.  Because of the fear I will NEVER document a future pregnancy at this level (or at least till I'm 24 weeks) but we didn't want to just delete all those happy moments we were allowed to experience. 

This little video shows all those moments, and then has pictures of us with Jude at the hospital.  I made it for myself and Darren and family and friends, but wanted to share clips of this journey with followers that have been praying for us too. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCBlOAPzckI







45 comments:

  1. I only started reading about your journeh about a month ago, I have prayed for you many times since then.
    My heart breaks for you. I cannot fathom the pain you and yoiur husband are in, as I have only suffered one early miscarriage and that alone was devestating. You are such an inspiration to follow on your blog. So much stronger than you know!
    God bless you & I pray that your arms are full of baby sooner than later ♥

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  2. That is the most beautiful amazing video. The most amazing tribute these babies mom and dad could give honoring their life in this world as a parent we learn so quicky that the pain and suffering come in so many shapes and sizes. Very often we are taught something so profound from our children so early...when I lost my daughter I stood back in the darkest room I ever knew and realized I'd had to live a thousand years to experience all that I had with her ...i pray your pain will lessen your love will grow your heart will grow I pray that your memories will offer ioy hope and warmth in days to come...your video is awesome...your awesome parents. So selfless.

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  3. Tears running down my cheeks as I watch your amazing video. You are such amazing parents to Jude and Brinly. I know that words won't lessen the pain but I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers from San Diego. God Bless you all.

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  4. Been following your story and praying for the twins. I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband found me in tears watching your video, and it was beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  5. The mere fact you chose to remember and keep these moments of pure joy as well as share so beautifully shows how strong and absolutely amazing you are <3

    My heart & prayers are with you, and your families xo

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  6. I smiled, laughed & cried through this entire video. So sweet - such joy spreading the news of your pregnancy, at the gender reveal, etc. Such sadness & hearbreak in the end. A beautiful tribute. And you are right - the Lord is close to the brokenhearted! I am praying He wraps you both in his comfort & peace. I am truly sorry for all the pain you have gone through & are still going through.

    I said in a comment to you before (I think!), that i go to an infertility support group. It's only like 8 of us that go. This past one (Thurs night) we prayed for you & your husband. Just wanted you to know.

    xoxo

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  7. This is so beautiful. When my daughter was delivered stillborn I didn't even think about my milk coming in. It was a heartbreaking shock when it did.

    I hope I am not overstepping but I recently read a blog (I wish I could remember which one) in which a woman who lost her baby donated her breast milk to the NICU where her baby was born. She said it helped her heal to think that she was helping other babies through the loss of her own child. Again, I hope this is not overstepping, just a thought in case it may help you as well.

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  8. This is such a touching tribute. I couldn't hold back the tears. I have not stop praying for your peace and comfort. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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  9. Thanks for sharing Holly!!! I'm so glad you were able to celebrate Brinly and Jude and share it with us. Such a touching video for all of us to watch. You are such a strong mom!

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  10. Amazing. I pray for comfort and peace for you both and your families.

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  11. Amazing. Thank you for sharing!! You are in my prayers still- now and always

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  12. This is an incredible tribute. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us. xoxo

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  13. Thanks for sharing Holly! It is such a sweet tribute to all three of your babies. I cried from the time I pressed play. You are such a strong and beautiful woman. God will redeem what the devil has stolen from you.

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  14. So beautiful. I do not know you but have been following your journey for the past two weeks. Praying for you through my tears.

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  15. That was beautiful, thank you for sharing. Praying for you tonight and always.

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  16. I think that video is beautiful and shows the loving family the babies have. It is heartbreaking to watch knowing what pain you are going through. I pray that you will be blessed again and this time that the joy is allowed to continue. You have three little souls in Heaven watching over you. Now that I have seen this you will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing both the joy and the sorrow.

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  17. Just beautiful. They were and are so loved.

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  18. What a beautiful video. Still praying for you and your family daily. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your journey. Hugs!

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  19. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful tribute.. Your babies were and are so loved by your family. Jude is a handsome boy.

    Continuing to keep you, your husband, and your family in my thoughts.

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  20. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Our thoughts haven't left you both.

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  21. I came across your blog through Megan Brink and have been following your journey over the past few weeks. I am just a stranger to you but want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Your video was just beautiful. I too have done ivf and feel a connection to those women who have gone through it as well. Thankyou for sharing your journey.

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  22. Sobs. Big ugly sobs for you guys. I can't help but feel the love in that one picture where you are holding baby Jude and Darren & you are looking at him. In all the sadness. In all the sorrow. There is great love. My heart is with you.

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  23. Holly this is equal parts beautiful and heart breaking. There is so much happiness, but so much sadness. I truly hope that you and Darren can feel us all wrapping our arms around you both and lifting you up in prayer.

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  24. I know the pain and sorrow that you and your family are going through. I lost my daughter Stormy on 8.1.13 at 30 weeks. It is absolutely heart wrentching! My best advice is to take it one day at a time, his your memories close and don't ever forget that you are a mom, and you always will be. One day you will be with your precious babies again. If you feel the need to cry them cry, if you need too be alone, then be alone. And most importantly use your support system! Lots of love and prayer to your family!

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  25. Oh my goodness! This made me cry. What a beautiful memorial you have of such happy and sad moments. You and your husband are so amazingly strong even if you may not feel like it at times. Baby Jude is so beautiful. Hugs to you and all of your family. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

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  26. :::tears::: I am so sorry for all you have endured...This is a beautiful tribute...You are an amazing mother...<3

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  27. Showing her strength in the midst of a hurricane...we are all thinking of you and your family during this awful time!!!

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  28. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost triplets (http://blessedwithmore.wordpress.com).
    I wanted to invite you to a private Facebook support group of all triplet loss moms (some have last all, some two, some one). They're an amazing circle of support who truly get it on a level that others don't. Many have also suffered through infertility. Please feel free to contact me through my blog or search Janelle Wourms on Facebook if you're interested in connecting. We'd love to support you through this difficult time.

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  29. Beautiful video. My heart completely breaks....praying for you.

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  30. Oh Holly, what a beautiful video. I am in tears. You captured so many wonderful and sad moments. Please know that you are all in my daily prayers. XOXO

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  31. Beautiful video. Thank you for sharing. I'm praying daily for you.

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  32. I am so so sorry for you loss. I pray for you and your husband to find some sort of peace. xoxo

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  33. The video was beautiful, Holly. What a wonderful keepsake to have in memory of your precious babies. Thank you for sharing this with us today. You and your family are still in my prayers.

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  34. Such a beautiful video, and I'm so so sorry for your losses. I send prayers to your and your husband.

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  35. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. You're in our prayers

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  36. What a beautiful video. You are such a strong mother and an inspiration. I only recently stumbled across your blog and have prayed and prayed and prayed for you everyday since. Thank you for sharing your journey and for sharing this beautiful video. I pray the Lord will give you the comfort you need during the upcoming months.

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  37. What a beautiful tribute to your three babies. Prayers for peace as you go forward.

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  38. This is beautiful. Simply beautiful. My prayers continue to be with you.

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  39. I absolutely loved this. What a beautiful way to remember your sweet babies. Prayers are continued for all of you.

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  40. I have no words. Just tears. Thank you for sharing.

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  41. Holly, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful tribute! I stumbled onto your blog about a month ago and have not been able to get you out of my mind. I had been praying that things would turn out differently for you. I just want you to know how much this video meant to me. In 2008, I lost a twin pregnancy (my son at 11 weeks, and my beautiful daughter, Ellie, at 21 weeks). Your video, though incredibly heartbreaking, also reminded me of the immense joy that my babies brought me in the short time that we were together. After 6 previous miscarriages, I wasn't brave enough to take any pictures/videos of my pregnancy. I'm really glad that you were, and you have these beautiful memories to look back on as you wade through the grief. I want you to know that the fearless manner in which you share about your journey has helped me (and I'm certain countless others as well) in my personal healing process. The isolation of infertility can be so overwhelming, and communicating with others on this journey has been one of my most powerful experiences of human connection. I have published a memoir about my experiences, and if you think it might help you in any way, I would be happy to mail you a copy. If you're interested, email me at ja.pursuit.of.family@gmail.com. I will continue to pray for your family, present and future.

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  42. We love you all, much more than words could be shared I'm sorry you weren't spared this pain! :'(

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  43. Holly, this is the most beautiful video tribute to your babies. Thank you for sharing it. I can't really imagine the grief you are feeling. I pray that the love of your husband, family, and friends helps. I found you through Suzanne's blog and am in the Portland area. When you are feeling ready I would recommend looking into a group called Brief Encounters. There is a support group for pregnancy and infant loss. I have found their support groups to be very helpful. http://www.briefencounters.org/bewp/?page_id=46

    Also, I can't recommend Britta Dinsmore, a local infertility/pregnancy loss focused counselor enough: http://www.brittadinsmore.com/

    Will be keeping you in my prayers.
    Ali

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  44. I just do not have words. I have cried more times than I can count reading your stories. I have been following you since right before you announced your gender reveal. Your story was shared from a friend of yours on a facebook page about how happy she was for you. I have not stopped thinking about you and your family. My heart hurts so much for you. I pray for you every day and pray that you will get to have your dreams come true soon. My prayers will never stop for you.

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  45. I'm hiding in my bathroom. Bawling my eyes out. This is the most beautiful yet heart-breaking memorial video I have ever seen. I've cried and prayed for you so many times. I just want to reach through and give you a big hug. Just thinking about it is making me teary eyed again. I know that saying I'm sorry won't help. But know that I'm praying for you and your entire family. Only god knows why such horrible things happen to the best of people. Why the ones who are dying to be parents have so much trouble. It kills me. But I'm glad that you have these memories. I hope some day soon, they bring you joy instead of so much sadness.

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