Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

November 27, 2013

Obviously I was in the hospital and on bed rest for five weeks so I'm a little behind on "pop" culture.  I recently heard one of the top tens called "Say Something I'm Giving Up on You."  I cannot stop listening to it, almost turning it into a prayer.  My entire life I have walked as a Jesus follower but for the first time in my life I didn't feel His peace and presence when I was alone in that horrid hospital room the night they had to break Jude's water.  Thousands of prayers for a miracle.  Thousands of begs to God, cries for help, cries to heal, cries to heal me and my baby.  Silence.

To be transparent, I struggle to pray right now.  My faith has clearly been shaken.  The only things I can mutter out are thanking Him for giving me Darren and asking Him to tell Jude and Brinly about us-what we are like, how badly we wanted them, how deeply sad we are they are gone.  I ask God that He tells them what we look like, what kind of people we are, and how we are getting by.  The other prayer I can sometimes whisper is asking Him to "say something."  I'm so broken, so rock bottom.  We will do whatever we feel He asks us.  If adoption is the route, tell me Lord, make it obvious.  Say something. We are seriously considering surrogacy.  Say something.  Do I dare try again myself?  Say something.

The only book in the Bible I can stand to read is Job.  In no way am I comparing my story to his as everything he had, including his health, was stripped away at God's permission.  But, the one thing I have in common with Job is I haven't done anything so horrible to deserve this.  I can relate to his questioning of God's goodness and his wishes that he had never been born.  I can relate to the unfair suffering that sneaks up on you out of now where and knocks you to the ground.  My study Bible pointed out in James 5:10-11

"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered.  You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about.  The Lord is full of mercy and compassion."

Although I feel so "betrayed" by God, so ditched, I refuse to accept that this is the how our story ends.  Deep in my heart I know this is not His nature and we live in a messed up world where bad things happen to good people.  The words "finally brought about" is all I can cling to in hopes that He will redeem and give back. 

So back to the song.  I will never "give up" on God.  I'm 100% "in" that He is good and His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts.  I will never ever deny that.  However, the song is so perfect for where my heart is.  Just say something God.  Here's the song, I wrote some of my "thoughts" next to the lyrics.



Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to. (I feel like here is the surrender, I will do what you want)
Anywhere, I would've followed you. (I've been 100% faithful in my Christian walk)
Say something, I'm giving up on you. (Oh God, speak to us)

And I am feeling so small. (I have never felt so small in my life)
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl. (I cannot wait till I feel like I can even just crawl again)

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. (I wish I would have felt you with me)
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love (I still and forever will love Him)
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

27 comments:

  1. I just did the same (similar) post using music-- Hugs to you! I think of you often!

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    1. I'll check it out. Music is so powerful!

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  2. Continuing to hold you all in our prayers. I hope that He does say something. I hope that you can feel His answers deep in your bones. I pray and hope that you can feel some peace and comfort as we blanket you all in love and prayer.

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    1. Thanks Kasey for all the sweet comments. I hope He says something soon too.

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  3. I am praying right now that God shows himself strong to you and speaks to you...the Bible says that He never leaves nor forsakes us which is an awesome promise and something that we have to hold on to even when our reasoning and feelings tell us other wise...we walk by faith and not by sight, feelings, reasoning or anything else. While praying for you I came across this verse and wanted to share it with you...

    "When I am pressed on every side by troubles, I am not crushed and broken. When I am perplexed because I don't know why things happen as they do, I don't give up or quit." 2 Corinthians 4:8

    Don't give up on God...don't give up on praising Him...don't give up on seeking Him. He loves you and He is holding your babies for you right now and telling them how awesome of a mommy you are. hugs to you!

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  4. The great thing about God is that nothing that has happened to you - not even your response to it - is a surprise to Him. I love that I'm loved by a God who is big enough to let me pout or shout or do whatever I need to get it all out and He still loves me through it and after it all. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

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  5. Holly, the fact that you can even analyze your faith at this point is amazing! The loss of Brinly and Jude has shaken my faith... It's incredible that it hasn't shredded yours! I think all of your feelings and questions are fully justified, completely normal. At this point, I think I would think of prayer as more of a conversation... And by that I mean it's totally okay to be angry with God... He's big enough to handle your anger and good enough to love you after you've raged against Him. I pray that He will make Himself and His plan known to you and DeWayne soon! Thinking of you constantly!

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  6. Again, no words. What a great song. What awesome honesty on your part. God will be ready for you to run into His open arms when you are ready to stumble back, no matter how battered and bruised and beaten up you are when you get there. Trust me. I have had faith every moment during my darkness, but I have at times, just been pissed as hell at God and walked in the opposite direction. He still gets me and loves me. And, you too. Do what you need to right now. God understands your pain.

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  7. You heard that song for a Reason. Of course your faith has been shaken. But your journey certainly does not end here x

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  8. Our faith is like a muscle in that the only way to grow it is to have it worked out...over and over. For some of us, god must envision us as giant body builders. Job has also been a comfort in my darkest times, where you dont have to be positive and radiate rainbows from your lips. Yet sometimes, we finally hear Him in the quiet clearing of all the junk going around.i would love to send you an image I painted on a hope illustration.

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  9. Trust me, in time, you'll know which path to take. It may take a while, but at one point, something (god/the universe, whatever we choose to call it) will help you pick.

    I'm doing surrogacy in India; if you need any information on that, please let me know. There is plenty of info on it scattered on my blog as well.

    Http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com

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  10. I promise God will not leave you in the pit of grief. He promises that he will use everything, even the most heartbreaking pain, for our good. I was pregnant with triplets almost four years ago during Christmas 2009 after IVF (transferred two embies, they split). Evie was born alive at 22 weeks and lived an hour in our arms. Jack was stillborn at 23 weeks. Will was born at 24 weeks 2 days (New Year's Day), and lived two weeks in the NICU before flying home to Jesus. It has taken me three out of the past four years to feel alive again. I prayed every night for almost a year for God to let me die. The one thing I kept hearing was "Give me time." He brings about beauty from ashes in his time. For us, he has given us two children through adoption, and hopefully more will join us. Zoe, our daughter, means life and God used her to breathe life back into our dying hearts. And our son, Isaac, means laughter - which you know - and he has returned laughter to our lives. I can't speak to why God has allowed you to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I don't know why he allowed us to, either. But I promise, the why in time will not be as important as the questions turn into steps of faith. I still grieve. I still have bouts of anger and bitterness that I have to fight off. But I have been given a life I never thought I would have, and a joy I never thought I would feel again. It takes time, but this season of pain will not last forever. And whatever God has for you in the future, it will be good and it will be beautiful. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And if you ever need someone to talk to who has been there, I am here. May God continue to guide you and may you feel his comfort.

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    1. Kate, please email me if you get a chance. I want to talk to you. hollybenson10@yahoo.com

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  11. Holly, i love this post. I'm so sorry for what y'all are going through, and I am praying for y'all daily. I have often said that through infertility I have been angry with God, and have cried out to him in my anger... I think this is okay. I believe he truly understands our anger, he "gets" us. And i love that about Him! I will continue to believe in Him, to live for him, no matter what happens, and it sounds like you will too. Praying for you that he DOES say something soon, that he wraps his arms around you so tightly that you can feel His presence. Love & hugs.

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  12. Holly, I think you are amazing and I totally agree with Amanda above. Reading everything that has happened to you has shaken a lot of what I believe and has broken my heart. I almost feel like you have been bullied with everything you have had to endure, and yet you are such an amazing human being that you can continue to trust in Him and wait for His answers. I also agree that He is holding your beautiful babies and telling all of them how much you love them and how much they were wanted and prayed for and cried over. As a mother, all you can hope for is that your children realize just how much you love them and how your heart belongs to them, and I believe your babies knew that before they went to be with Lord. I dont believe this is how your journey is going to end, He has great things in store for you and I cant wait to find out what those things are. I am praying for you and sending you TONS of HUGS!

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  13. When I had my miscarriage, I questioned God and my faith. It took me awhile to work through it. However, I don't feel that I can even remotely compare my pain to what you have gone through. Not even in the slightest. The fact that you can still unwaveringly know that God is there for you, although currently silent, is truly inspiring. I know that your intention right now is not to inspire others, but your faith speaks volumes. I have no doubt God is listening. Hopefully he will send answers soon. Hugs to you and your family.

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  14. I am so sorry. I don't pretend to know how hard this is for you, but I pray that you will feel God's perfect love for you and receive the desired guidance and direction you need so much at this time. Thank you for sharing with us your amazing example of faith. I am praying for you. Hugs! xoxoxo

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  15. I am so sorry. There are no words that can really comfort, but others are with you. You may find words of comfort at http://stillstandingmag.com/ -- it deals with these issues very compassionately.

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  16. I was able to get through it by refusing to believe God is handing out babies like samples at Costco. Some for you, some for you, sorry God's all out. I had a lot of people try and frame things a lot of ways to me. "God will give you a baby when you are ready. God already has your baby all picked out. God never gives more than we can handle" . I did not buy it. If God has a plan it is so far reaching that I can't make sense of it and I don't want to either. I prayed and prayed to learn whatever it was I was supposed to learn, or become whatever it was I was supposed to become all while other people have a baby like nothing. Like "Oh we'll have a baby." And then they do, the end. Are they better in God's eyes? No. Am I worse? NO. I don't and can't think God is like that. What happened was a terrible, horrible, heart breaking , mind numbing shame. Who would not be punch drunk? All you can do is what you are doing. I always felt like trying to understand God's plan was futile. Maybe it all happened so I could help someone else in my journey? Maybe it happened because decades from now something else will happen that needed to happen? There is no knowing. And really knowing wouldn't help. That's what saved me. Just keeping on and knowing it was not a punishment or a judgement but just something terrible that was happening.

    I hope this helped and did not hurt.

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  17. I am here for you friend. I wish that I knew why all of this happened so that I could help you, but I can't. I wish that I could show you your future and that you will find happiness again, but I can't. This would test anyone's faith! You and Darren continue to be in my prayers.

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  18. I love this song. I've had it in my "infertility playlist" since this summer. I just want you to know how often I still think of you. I hope you and your husband are finding comfort with one another. Sending you so much love. xoxo

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  19. Sending light and love to you.

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  20. So, I was in church on Sunday when the worship band played this song, "Oceans" by Hillsong United, I'd heard it before, but on that day, they had the most amazing woman singing it (seriously, I wish I had a recording of it), and it was one of those moments when a song resonates so deeply and seems to take over your whole body, you know what I mean? No? Just me? Mkay... anyway, as I stood there taking it in, a wave of tears filled my eyes as I thought about how I wished this song would have been around when we were going through our infertility struggles. This song has been in my head non-stop since Sunday, and today, as I was listening to it again for the 5 millionth time while taking my kids to school, tears flooded my eyes again as I thought of you. I just thought I'd share in hopes that it brings a little comfort to you during this unthinkably (is that even a word?) awful time...

    You call me out upon the waters
    The great unknown where feet may fail
    And there I find You in the mystery
    In oceans deep
    My faith will stand

    I will call upon Your name
    And keep my eyes above the waves
    When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace
    For I am Yours and You are mine

    Your grace abounds in deepest waters
    Your sovereign hand
    Will be my guide
    Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
    You've never failed and you won't start now

    (skipped a few lines here)

    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

    I will call upon Your Name
    Keep my eyes above the waves
    My soul will rest in Your embrace
    I am Yours and You are mine

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  21. Just want your family to know we are praying for your healing and the miracle to come out of this mess! Love your heart and transparency! Wish I could do more! Praying for you guys! Love

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  22. He loves you and cries with you in all of this; believe it or not, He is even more deeply hurt by your loss than you are. This isn't how things were supposed to be. Hugs, mama - you are a mama with the beginnings of a huge family waiting for you up in Heaven. Time passes so quickly, just blink and you will be able to hold them again.

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  23. Psalms 22
    But Palsm 23 gives your answer

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