So I officially get to go home tomorrow after my last antibiotic treatment scheduled for around 6:00 am tomorrow. I have been on oral or IV antibiotics for 13 days.
No amazing updates. I continue to wake up bleeding but it usually tapers off. The specialists are not overly concerned and assume the blood pools at night. I of course hate it but obviously can't control it.
I haven't had much pain minus light cramps and burning/tingling thighs. I can't sleep and often have to take two ambiene. Hopefully my own bed will be more welcoming.
The last 10 days have gone fairly fast in the hospital. I'm a good self entertainer and Darren has been able to be with me 90% of the time. He had to leave for work and went back to Vancouver on Sunday night and I cried like a little child getting left with the babysitter. I started apologizing to him for any mean thing I've ever done to him in my life (starting when I was 20) because I feel so in love with him and so incredibly attached. He laughed at my craziness but was really really sad to leave; specially with me crying and leaving me after being with me a week straight 24-7.
Darren is a very solid, very stable man. He doesn't often express emotions and usually after a deep sigh, he is good to go. To see him mourn, to see him deeply sad really is a sad thing for me. With previous failed treatments and early loses Darren was sad, but not like this. For the first time I heard him talk a lot about it. Stuff like "I lost my daughter." "My daughter died." "I was so excited for a little girl." Breaks my heart as much as the situation breaks my heart. He had to go home and pack up all Brinly's cute clothes I bought right before my gender reveal party; he did it alone. I wanted to get rid of them but he wanted to keep them. I emailed Target and asked them to completely delete the registry my sister and I set up in celebration of 14 weeks. We have to login to BabysRUs site and delete everything that is pink. I cannot bare to see it. It was just two weeks ago that we were so happily celebrating my 30th and registering away for our sweet babies. How quickly things can change.
Lastly, my blog has always been my place where I can "vent." I'm not a negative person but sometimes it's nice to blow steam into cyberspace and move on.
Here's my rant. It's titled "Some Nurses Are Not Nice." Lol. So many are amazing but here we go.
I got an IV placed in me on 10/29 when I arrived. They have to replace it every three days. Although not fun, it wasn't horrible. By day 3 I was ready for a new one. This time they called "IV Therapy" and a woman came that does it all day. She was a little blunt and I swear she drooled on my arm, but she put it in a spot that didn't bug me. No complaints, until last night:
I get IV meds every 6 hours. Yesterday I needed a new IV so I convinced my nurse to let me have it out from noon to 6pm.
At 6pm she came back with a nurse she was "training" on IVs. Seriously? (My mom describes this exactly as "mean, mean mean!") You have to pick me to get trained on out of this whole pregnancy labor and delivery ward? Pick on a mom that just had a healthy baby. They were really dramatic about getting the needle in, taking forever to find a vein, and then the trainee shoves it in without warning. It KILLED. I told her it hurt really bad, then she says "opps, I hit a valve" she continues to try to get it in but eventually pulls it all the way out (which feels almost as creepy/horrible" and says "sorry" in a long annoying voice with a smile. She then went on to ask "do you need lab work because it would work for that, but not antibiotics?" The whole reason I am still here is for antibiotics (imagine me doing an inner eye roll) So, they go again for a different vein. I'm used to being poked cause of IVF but seriously? So they did it again-all the way in with the IV and hit a valve (I've never had this issue). Again the "opps." I couldn't cry because I was alone but I looked at them and said "I know you guys are nurses and this is your job, but can you please call IV therpy?" They did. The IV therapy lady looked scary and seemed a little loopy. She got it on the first try BUT put it in the bend of my hand. Any movement killed so at midnight they removed it and woke me up for the FORTH IV at 5:45 am. The forth one is fine and I only have 3 more treatments left.
My second complaint is about a person that meant well, but no joke, 48 hours of literally experiencing one of the worst things I could have thought of for this pregnancy this night nurse went into full-counseling mode. We did NOT bring it up but for almost 30 minutes, with her beady hand on my leg, she told us:
how we need to be thankful for the 18 weeks we had her
how she brought us joy for 18 months
how she lived a perfect life and bonded with her brother (really?)
how this will hurt for the rest of our lives
how we need to get counseling
As mentioned I'm too nice to yell Shut the (insert mild bad word here) up and I knew she was genuinely trying to be kind. But I just watched the clock and selected a time I would cut her off. While she took a breath (I mean it was non stop rambling) I told her we are heartbroken over Brinly but are trying not to dwell on that for now since our son needs us. I know it will hit me. Probably again and again and again and again, the reality and horror of what just happened out of nowhere, but I'm so hoping and praying that it hits me while I hold her brother close.
Lastly, all the nurses have been so understanding because I'm so paranoid about everything. Infection=game over. So, when I got a yeast infection I asked a lot of questions. My night nurse (I've had like 18 different ones total) brought me pills for the infection. I was nervous and wanted to make sure A. It wouldn't hurt Jude B. It wouldn't counteract with the antibiotics. When I asked her those questions she looked really annoyed and was like "your doctor ordered these." I guess her compassion level is low in my anxiety-ran mind but I know she hasn't delivered a stillborn. Again, I'm forgiving but come on!
Everyone else has been amazing from nice moms to girls my age I would be friends with in real life.
So far Jude is looking perfect and his fluid great, but an hour could change everything so I will remain neutral and guarded (yet hopeful) till he comes out alive way past viability.
On a lighter note, I asked for an ultrasound 3 days ago for peace of mind. The specialist did it and Jude actually looked directly at the screen and we could see his eyes move! She pointed it out (I guess the eyelids are so thin you can see the lenses moving at times). Darren got all excited and said it reminded him of a character off Batman. Not exactly what an expectant mom wants to think of her sweet precious CUTE son (words normal people use to describe babies) but if it makes the dad feel happier thinking he looks like Batman character (in all honestly, I could see it, at this stage they look like little skeletons) more power to him.
Tomorrow I go home. I'm happy but also scared. Although I'm tired of my stay at hotel St. Vincent, it's nice to know I'm right here if something goes down. One day at a time.
Darren told me there are all kinds of packages and cards for me at home which is so incredibly caring. My friend "Mrs. Lost" Where is that bird? is going through IVF herself right now and went to look at her page I saw this image, so kind. Thank you again to everyone.