December 8, 2013
A quote by Anon states: "She may look young, but inside she has become ancient." On the outside I look the same. I can carry myself the same way. But if you could peal back the layers, I am elderly. I am an old, worn out woman, with wrinkles, and scars and dark circles under my eyes. I am ancient.
Tomorrow I would have been 24 weeks. Viability. Even in the innocence of the beginning of this pregnancy, I didn't even know that 24 weeks was any great "marker." I just knew 12 weeks was the acclaimed "safe zone." I'm no fool though. The phrase viability gives too many close-to-be-mamas a huge false hope. Only 39% of babies survive that are born at 24 weeks-1/3 of them will have severe permanent brain damage. White males have the worse survival rates. I have come into contact with several moms who gave birth in that 24-25 "viability" zone all to lose their live child in the NICU days later-or who lived but are on feeding tubes years later. Still, the December 9th date stings a bit. After trying so hard for so long and truly believing that Jude would make it, the 24 week zone is a little slap in my face since I lost him just 21 days ago.
I cannot stop looking at his face. I love it. I don't ever want to forget a single detail of it. Not even for a second. If I feel like I can't fully remember, I look at his face. I look again. And again. And again.
There is a woman named Angela Miller who lost a child at age 2 and has a HUGE voice among bereaved mothers. Obviously losing a child at age 2 is far worse than what I experienced. She is working on a "gift book" where she will have the following written.
Before the reading I'm also putting her youtube video (it's a minute) of why she wrote these words up top. It's powerful and it brings comfort.
I dedicate the following words from her to ALL moms who have loved and lost whether it be a chemical pregnancy ranging from burying your own grown child. Read it again and again. I cry every time because it validates that I am the mom of Jude and Brinly. You ARE a mother of all mothers. We are the mother of all mothers.