Almost exactly a year ago I wrote a post called "Cupcakes with Blue Filling" when my younger sister did her baby gender reveal party.
This weekend my sister in law did her's but they used a box full of blue balloons.
I have written so much of the "happy for them, so sad for me" concept, but this weekend, as we were at the beach with my husband's fam, I felt a taste of that concept from them. My mother is law was thrilled when she opened the box and the blue balloons floated to the sky. Her first grandson. She teared up, she cheered. We cheered. We smiled. We gave them a cute baby hoodie with a frog head (we had a girl gift in case it was a girl). The parents-to-new-baby-boy were beaming with pride and happiness and well-deserved joy. They had battled IF for years for their first child who is now two.
But then I felt it. The unspoken painful fact that we are in infertile. That I should be 7 months along right now. I was the elephant in the room, again. My mother is law even started a phrase of "someday you guys..." and faded off. In this joyful moment for them, I realized that I think everyone in that room is happy for them...and sad for us too.
Of course, the clash of emotions rise. I see the growing stomach. I see the ultrasound pictures. I am 100% truly happy for them, but it takes a lot of myself to hold it together. To keep the smile painted on. To hold in tears. Selfish tears because I want it so bad. Scared tears because I don't know if/when. Sad tears because I am constantly aware of the baby I am not holding in my arms. Angry tears because I am feeling this whirlwind of emotions during something beautiful for someone else. I'm angry I can't be normal happy; I have to work to be happy in these situations. I'm angry that we have been at it for so long. I'm angry that although I followed all the rules and that I would be a great mom, I'm not.
Blue cupcakes. Blue balloons.
I heard this song on the Christian radio station on the drive down. It's called WORN. My favorite line is "let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends" Oh God, what I would give to know the struggle ends. Although my head panics/worries/fears, deep in my heard, I know somehow, someday, the struggle will end.