Loss of Innocence with Hope

February 25, 2014

* just a reminder that March 15 we are asking that to honor Jude and Brinly, our recently stillborn twins, that you do a random act of kindness in their honor and post it here or email me (more info in the post before this).  I'm posting some images my sister made.

Obviously as the world goes on, my has yet to move forward.  I've been having some thoughts with my current HATE I super dislike you right now feelings toward "Hope" and wrote a poem:




 
Hope. 
How you have deceived me.
Why do you haunt me?
Why won’t you leave me alone?

Over the years  Hope has grown into a Villainess
That taunts me
And makes me think my dreams will come true
And makes me somehow believe that this isn’t the end
and that my wish will come true
That my prayers will be answered
She makes me think that somehow, someday, someway

Then Hope, that sneaky thing, hands me the very thing I was waiting for
On a platter
Wrapped in beautiful shining paper, with the most beautiful bows you have ever seen.
One bow is blue.
The other pink.
And they are alive.


I begin to embrace Hope as my best friend
She has finally allowed the horse to reach the carrot
She has finally allowed Leprechaun to reach the pot of gold.
She curls up by the fire with me and we relax for once together.
 
 
 For the first time in my life, I believe Hope.  I 100% trust her
instead of half trust her that this is real.

Before I know it the lights flash and my world has been shattered.
 
I search around blindly in the dark screaming for Her
Tears rush down my face faster than the fastest river and I call to Her
Despite the diagnosis I believe this can be turned around.
I try to grasp to Her as tightly as I can

But at the doctor looks into my eyes and says in the saddest tone I have ever heard
“Can I break your sac of water?”
Hope for the first time leaves me completely alone. 

As the waters pour out of my body, leading to the imminent death of my
Ever-so-longed-for-ever-so-prayed-for-ever-so-deeply-insanely-loved son,
His water’s puff out the last tiny glimmer Hope had left in that god-forsaken room.

In those horrific hours I was relieved that I had lost Her.  Finally I could move on.
 
 In the morning, the nurses brought my dead child, still warm from the strong heartbeat that had
Been beating through his veins but stopped to short by the impact of labor.

I stared at him speechless. 

My husband beside me.

The entire earth quiet as we looked down at what we had been allowed to create together.

And there She was. 
We did NOT invite Her in.
She came back without permission.
My tearstained husband said to me:
“He is so cute.  He would have been so cute.”

I always imagined Hope to be soft and gentle and sweet and subtle.

But that’s only when She is playing Nice.

In times like these She is violent.  She is loud.  She is aggressive and She grips with a strength that takes away your breath. 

Without warning, She grabbed my husband.  She dug Her fingernails deep into his skin. She sprang into his soul and possessed his mouth.  He said

“This makes me want it more.  We are so close.”

8 failied IUIS.  3 IVFs.  4 Dead babies and we are holding one that is just 21 days away from a place he could survive.  But we are holding him.

Before I could get in the defensive position and  block my own logical senses, before I could stop Her, Hope possessed my own soul as well.

Without warning that small flicker of a candle reappeared. 

In what cruel world does Hope enter the room as we hold our dead child?

In what cruel planet does something keep teasing you, and following you, and attacking you to keep on going when so many things have gone wrong?

She is heartless and stops at nothing.

They say Hope does not disappoint us but I have never experienced disappoint at the level I did that day.

That cold day that I was in the labor and delivery suite laboring and delivering my stillborn son just 3 weeks after doing the same with my daughter.

I am so bitter towards HOPE because she has brought me so high and without warning dropped me on cement.  She stood back and let the birds eat at me as I lost my heart. Twice.

I am so scared of Hope because when you finally become friends with Her there are still no promises.

I am so frustrated with Hope because I can’t shake her.  Even after these insane losses with insane fertility treatment I’ve taken 2 pregnancy tests (negatives)because I myself have slowing become insane and Hope tricks me into thinking maybe.

Although I’m speechlessly angry at Her, she is winning this battle because we haven’t fully chosen to give up on Her.

If Hope is alcohol, We are an alcoholics.

If She is a drug, we are addicts.

If She is song, we are signing.

If She is a poem, we are reading. 

But the innocence of a heart that has never been broken is long gone.
We don’t look at her with na├»ve,  longing eyes anymore.
We stare at her with a cold expression.  A guarded, cold, sterile look.

But we are strong.

We remain eye contact with Her.

We look Her in the face even after what She has done to us.
And though we may be fools, as we move forward with this fight,

We whisper “maybe. We hope.”


 



23 comments:

  1. What a beautiful way to honor your babies memories. This post is incredibly raw and beautiful and brings tears to my eyes. Nothing is more loving but to remember them with acts of kindness. I will absolutely do my part. xoxo

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  2. That was amazing Holly. I am ready to do my part on March 15th in honor of your babies. Praying..

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  3. Thanks for the reminder!!! Dedicating that day to you and your babies

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  4. Holly, We ache with hope with you, we cry with hope with you, we grieve with hope with you. What a wonderful day March 15th will be.

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  5. Thanks for the reminder! I will be doing my part and also passing it on to others! My heart aches for you during this time.

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  6. Tears are streaming down my face at my desk. What a beautiful, raw piece of art to share with us. Thank you.

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  7. Replies
    1. Hi Ginger,

      We were told to wait 3 months. We will try on our own for a few months with femera and clomid, starting in March. I'm skeptical since trying on our own hasn't worked, but we haven't tried on our own before with BOTH of us on meds so hopefully it will have a diff. result. Thanks for asking!

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  8. No words to express all te emotions brought up with this poem. The toxic relationship with Hope is all to familiar. Yet it's almost required in order to move forward and live.

    Thinking of you. And will be sharing my post of a random act on March 15

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  9. Beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. beautiful. Are you completely open with your blog? Would it be ok if I added a "tag or card" of why the person is getting a RAOC on March 15 including your story and a link to your blog?

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    1. of course! I love that idea! I think I might print off the images my sister made for my RAOCs! Congrats on the crazy BFP! I am so pumped for you :)

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    2. Thanks Holly! Do you have an image you want us to use?

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  11. Heartbreaking. I've been planning on volunteering at my local animal shelter, after following your story for several months I decided that May 15th is the perfect day to get a group of friends together to volunteer!

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  12. Holly, I will be doing a RAOC for those babies of yours. I pray for you nightly

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  13. Hi! I don't know you but found your blog and wanted to share my story with you. I do not struggle with infertility but I have also lost twins due to an incompetent cervix. Your emotions and feelings sound so similar to mine. My beautiful twin boys were born on June 28, 2012, too small to survive. But there is hope! I now sit here holding my sweet 5 month old baby boy! I know it doesn't seem like it and I often questioned if I'd ever feel happy again and I still struggle every day and long for my twins, but it does get easier. I had a preventative cerclage with my now 5 month old and it worked! My cervix never shortened and he was born healthy and full term! I never thought that would happen. I know this is so hard and it honestly has been the hardest thing my husband and I have gone through. Please know you are not alone and others understand what you are going through. I will continue to pray for you!

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  14. What you have written is stunningly beautiful. The words permeate my heart on such a deep level. Tears are streaming down my face.

    "We look Her in the face even after what She has done to us."

    Yes, just yes.

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  15. This was beautiful, Holly.
    I understand so very much of this, and I'm sad we share this experience, but also proud to keep walking, keep hoping with you.

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  16. hi holly, i wanted to reach out and let you know that i've been reading your blog for about 30 minutes and i'm touched and humbled and in awe of your strength and heart. i do a series on my blog called random acts of happiness, and i would love to get involved with your pay-it-forward project and/or help in any way that i can. all my best wishes for you.

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  17. Hi Holly, we just met yesterday. One of our Lords 'random' encounters, I think in part so He could break my heart for you., so that I might join in prayer for you and your husband, and your journey. I sit here at my computer weeping as I read your words, my heart aching. I awoke one morning feeling hopeless for my son, but the words that I heard echoing in my head over and over from a dream were: "hope NEVER gives up. It moves in, it camps out, it sets up house. Hope lives in you." What a beautiful reminder that Christ lives in me- I have all hope inside me, I have all strength within me. That is the source of my strength, my joy and my hope when facing seemingly impossible situations. Of and on my own- I can't do it. Honored and privileged to join with you in prayer.

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  18. March 15th is coming up soon and what a beautiful day it will be in honoring your babies.

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