That is what the flier in my mailbox said. It was a free gift from Shutterfly for birth 10 free birth announcements because, well, it's March.
This must be how my great grandma felt when people would call and ask for Lyle.
I try to avoid triggers. I dodge the pregnant woman in the aisle. I veer my eye's when strollers walk past. I know I won't be this extreme forever but for now, I am in protection mode. But today it was as innocent as getting the mail to bring up that deep, heavy sting that physically impacts the body.
I sifted through the mail. Free baby prints! Another company, another flyer, 2 in 1 day.
I ripped them up and threw them in the trash with the flyer from yesterday from Motherhood Maternity, making this mail/formula sample #5 in the last couple weeks that is somehow congratulating me as a new mom. I. Am. Not. A. New. Mom.
Trust me, within 24 hours of losing Jude I was canceling the registry, unsubscribing from the amazing "weekly growth updates" that gave me such delight in what new skill he had acquired that week; removing my name from mailing lists, trying to contact ANYONE in my life who I may have told I was pregnant with twins what happened-all for fear of them approaching me this month and asking how the babes are doing.
Okay, enough gloom for the month, lets move on. Lets try to focus on the future. The next steps.
As mentioned, Darren and I decided to take a small break from FET/IVF land. The specialist originally wanted us to wait to "try" till April but March was the soonest we could legally try (they deemed the 3 monthish mark healthy enough to continue our grand effort to reproduce).
So March is here. I did officially ovulate ON MY OWN last cycle. Sure, it wasn't till CD 27 but hey, that is the first time we have detected ovulation without meds. The plan is to try the
I don't expect anything miraculous but hey-. My gut tells me the hope of a biological child lies somewhere in those 8 frozen embryos but for now, we will give the one-two-punch a try (lol did I seriously just call sex a one-two punch?). The only thing I know for certain: I want to meet Jude and Brinly's siblings more than anything I have ever wanted in my life.