Time to do a little talk on faith in a heartbreaking situation. As a Christian all my life, I could never imagine being in the place I am with my view of God/prayer that losing the twins has brought me to. Shattered. Don't get me wrong, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will NEVER walk away. Although I have no idea why He allowed this, what He is doing, and to some degree Who He fully is, I will never ever say that He is not good. With that said, that being my core belief, everything else is so broken.
Up until going through the most cruel thing I've ever experienced that went down in the most horrific way my life was fairly smooth (minus the IVF sagas)-to refresh your memory, my water broke 1 day after my 30th birthday, a week later I visually saw her cord hanging from my body, I go to the ER and her foot is hanging out but I'm not in labor, I go into labor at night and she falls out in the bathroom the next morning-then miraculously my body stops labor and my cervix closes and there is SO much hope for Jude. I get a cerclage (cervix sewn shut) and am bedridden in the hospital for 11 days taking IV antibiotics every 4 hours to try to prevent an infection. While each second I live in the horror of what just happened, each second I fear that Jude will die, as I watch family and friends come and pray for miracles. I watch my strong brave Dad cry out to God like a helpless child begging for a miracle. I watch my strong brave husband laying his hand on my stomach begging for the life of Jude to be saved. I myself cry out with all that I have left for God to have mercy on mye and to heal my body and to save my child. Then when we finally think there is hope because it's been 3 weeks, an infection takes over, they break my water while I'm conscious (and feeling him move), and I deliver a 100% healthy normal baby that is 3 weeks to young to have a chance at surviving. As I quoted CS Lewis earlier in my blog it felt like we reached out for help to our Savior and we heard the door slam and then many bolts shutting and then silence.
In my Christian walk this is the first time I've ever experienced something like this. I have had hard seasons but have always trusted that He was working things out for the good. I have had unanswered prayers before but never in such a silent, heartbreaking, desperate situation. It shakes me to the core and although the Bible says "pray without ceasing" at this point I simply cannot. I'm going through all the emotions that come with grief but I'm also a bit cynical. I snicker at stupid things (ie someone praying that God will help them find their keys or take away their headache) Although people have every right to ask God for help in anything, these type of prayers make me roll my eyes. He didn't save my child why would He help you find your keys?? I know better than that, I was raised that He is a personal God and cares about the smallest things in our lives-however at this point PLEASE don't pray to find your keys around me.
Don't get me wrong. I am not "pouting" or trying to "show Him." I am just numb/speechless/and quite frankly a little afraid of what can happen to anyone here on earth whether they are a Christian or not. This whole experience shattered the fun/cute snow globe of happiness I tended to live in and has shown me the suffering and the pain that can happen to anyone. If I do pray, they have massively changed. I have also removed the word "Let." "Let me get pregnant again." "Let me know what you want me to do." "Let me not be so afraid." At this point sometimes the only prayer I can say is "Jesus." Or "God help me." Sometimes I can mutter "Let me see redemption win. Make it right." While other times I simply shrug my shoulders and say "Who are you?" or "I know you will do what you are going to do." I guess this isn't exactly a pep-talk but I think it's important that Christians be real. I just went through a very very sad/nasty situation where my ever-so-longed-for children literally were killed inside my body because of my body-I was a participate in their death. We are humans and we to go through waves of emotions in grief just like anyone-just because we have Christ as the center of lives does not mean we are always happy/protected-we just do our best to constantly remind ourselves that this is not the end, this is temporary and death can never have victory over us since we believe in eternal life. If you are not a Christian I know I might sound a bit loca but if you are, this means everything.
Anyway, there is this somewhat old-school 1990's worship song by Michael W. Smith (don't laugh) and for some reason it's been popping my head a lot lately. The main chorus says "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy on us." I decided to youtube it with lyrics and the phrase "Help me love you again" really struck me. The singer is asking God to help him love God again!! I could so relate with this. What a strange prayer "Dear God, help me love you again." I think I'm going to add it to my small list of prayers.
I've posted this song before too, it's called Worn, but its one of the only Christian songs I can listen to.