I'm lost in between the days. Yes, I am a bereaved mother, and yes, I am a mother.
I have had four losses, an empty sack and 3 additional heartbeats inside my body grow to 9 weeks, 18 weeks, and 21 weeks that are no longer here with me. I have seen the evidence myself. 10 toes, 10 fingers. Perfect and gorgeous beauty-the products of a loving mommy and daddy, eager parents who cannot wait to bring the world to their children. I have felt my daughter kick. I have held my son. He laid on my chest, forever asleep, moments after his own heartbeat stopped due to my body failing him and going into labor too soon for him to survive outside the womb. I am the mom of Brinly and Jude, they are real.
I refuse to remove my necklace with the initial of each 4 lost loves. I refuse to stop looking at my pictures of Jude after he was born. When people ask if I have children I often say "no" to avoid the awkward silence that follows-but it's not worth the guilt I instantly feel for betraying the truth and betraying their existence. "Yes, but they died at birth. Twins."
I will not attend church this Sunday. Church is for the mothers. They honor them and have them stand and give them flowers. They ask all moms to stand. I will feel like an imposter if I stand (she doesn't have kids?) but a traitor if I don't (Jude and Brinly's name woven on my finger on my ring). It's easiest to stay at home, to think about them and what they would have been. I'm convinced Jude would have been like me-more serious, responsible, hardworking and driven, bound by rules and goals while Brinly would have been like her dad-free-spirited, a dreamer, adventurous, friendly and wise.
Although I choose to spend Mother's Day quietly, alone with Darren, I think of my own strong mom. All the while my own mom had to stand right next to her own baby and watch me drown. She had no rope. She had no lifeboat. All she could do was helplessly watch her own daughter walk through the darkest of terrors helplessly. If I put myself in my mom's shoes, I too would hate that. To watch my own daughter who I raised and I loved losing her children in slow-motion, one after the other in a cold, sterile hospital room -I would melt down.
My own mom stood next to me when they broke Jude's water. She heard it come out too. My own mom held my son more than I did. Loving him, loving me. My own mom looked at both twins, took pictures of them, and talks about them as members of our family. They say having a child is like having your own heart walk outside your body, I can only imagine how my mom's heart was those cruel days as I drowned. I never want to lose another child again and I never want to watch my children go through the loss of their own children. Nobody wants this.
Lastly, I want to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day. I know so many amazing mom's in my life. I know so many amazing women who follow the blog and have made it through the infertility battle to motherhood. But I also know so many women who are still in the "trenches" and still fighting for their families, 2, 3,8 years later-you women are moms as well. You have been in love with your unborn child since day 1 of ttc and that love is real. When I was pregnant with the triplets I bought a children's book for them called "My Love Will Find You." Our. Love. Will. Find. Them. Too.
I leave you with 2 great links. 1 is called "World's Best Mom " and it's written by a husband of a mom who just lost her child as well. The 2nd, is a video I've been saving to share, that honors all moms on Mother's Day.
Video for ALL mothers