My First "Mother's" Day

May 11, 2014

Like many things (my first biggest fear was J and B's true due date), going to the first baby shower after loss (still avoiding that one), and now Mother's Day, when the days comes and goes and I realize I am still alive, still breathing, I realize it wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined.  As I stayed pretty much cocooned up in the house, I was surrounded by love and kindness.  Here's a little recap.


Yesterday on the way home from the beach with my in-laws, we saw this:
If you look closely, it's a double rainbow.  Sure it's Washington here and sure it's grey and stormy, but in my heart I like to think it was from J and B and God.  Or at least beautiful timing.
 
 
 
The second sweet surprise was I got TWO actual "Happy Mother's Day" cards in the mail acknowledging me as a mom.  I presented them to Darren when he got home and he looked at me hesitantly-"does that make you happy or sad?"  "So, so happy I replied."
 
 
 
Third, my mom put this as her instagram:

There was my name, with my grandma's and great grandma's and mom's and sister's.  Holly Benson listed with the other moms, no long explanation, just my name.  Although I skipped the celebration my mom assured me that the day wouldn't pass with her talking about J and B and that they are always a part of our family.  I cried with love.


I managed to stop by Starbucks to get a drink with my mom after they went to church and my grandma stopped by with a book as a gift and this is what was written inside:
 
 
Darren and I did some errands and a few hours later this was on my porch:
 



On Saturday I also got this in the mail (it says: Brinly and Jude Held Your Whole Life):




And 7 different people texted me this (or something sweet):


In the meantime, I was considering looking at the pictures of Brinly.  They are on a cd and for some reason I thought today would be fitting and I was feeling brave.  I climbed into the attic and opened the bins full of their things.  The precious clothes I had bought them once I hit the "safe zone."  Ultrasound pictures.  Their official gender reports.  His death certificate.  I couldn't find Brinly's CD-must have gotten misplaced during those insane weeks.  Darren swears it will show up and I'm ok with that too.  I peeked into the memory boxes I visit so often and looked at their footprints, I stared at Jude's face and held his blanket.  I allowed the silent tears of love and sorrow to fall down my face and before I could stop it allowed the prayer to leave my lips again, "Please, make it right, let us see redemption win."  And shockingly, this prayer wasn't the angry bitter deeply hurt prayer that I've spit out a few times since the loss.  It was a gentler, broken, humble exchange. 

Grief has waves and they come un-expectantly, the anger isn't gone.  The massive wounds are no where near scarred over, and my obsession to meet their siblings someday grows every second, but today I felt mainly just love for my children and proud to be their mom. 


13 comments:

  1. Holly- I am so glad today wasn't as bad as you thought. It can be such a hard day, and I am so happy to hear so many people loved on you today!! You deserved it!!! Love you tons xoxo

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  2. Holly, I thought of you first thing this morning and wished I had pre-thought yo mail you a card. You are a mother, a beautiful one that grieves over your losses and enjoys the thoughts of Brinley & Jude's ssh iblings. You are strong, humble, weak, soft, sweet, kind and full of love for your children that were and whom are yet to be! You are precious in His sight and mine! ♡ Alicia

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  3. Love you sweet friend - Happy Mother's Day! I'm glad that your day was special and filled with Joy. The double rainbow was amazing and I believe that was Brinly and Jude smiling down on you and Darren. Hugs from me.

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  4. That was beautiful, Holly! I'm so glad that your day was filled with love and encouragement! I know it was in no way how you hoped or wanted to spend your first Mother's Day, but I hope you know that you are dearly loved and that so many people were thinking of you on Mother's Day!

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  5. A lady at church yesterday told me that her niece was pregnant again after having lost a daughter 2 weeks after she was born. She told me she didn't send the niece a card since the new baby wasn't here yet. I immediately thought of you and wanted to scream "But she is a mom! She lost that sweet baby". Just thought I would tell you that you have changed my way of thinking and thank you for that!

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  6. Happy Mothers Day, Holly. I'm so glad you have so much love and support around you. Hugs!

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  7. Happy Mothers day Holly! I'm so glad that the day turned out to be sweet by so many people who recognized that yes, yes, yes, you are a mom!!!! My SIL just lost her son (my nephew) and it doesn't make her any less of a mom, just like you aren't either for losing your babies.

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  8. I am so happy so many people showed up to support you and make you feel loved. I am sure Jude and Brinley helped them all send those messages to you. They love you just as much as you love them. What a beautiful reminder of how heartfelt humanity can be. Happy Mothers Day to a wonderful mother! XOXO

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  9. Happy Mother's Day!

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  10. The double rainbow is wonderful! I'm sure it was from J and B. And the cards and your mom's and grandma's messages are so lovely. Is the bottom picture your mom holding one of your babies? It is so precious.

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  11. I love the double rainbow. I think it's lovely that so many people thought of you on what can be such a difficult day in our world. You are so, so loved.

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  12. Holly,
    A special wish for your continued strength and faith. I have followed you as my own daughter's infertility journey began. You gave us hope and encouragement as she too suffered losses, and were shattered by the heartache of Brinly and Jude. Through this all I pray for you both, to continue on, to find peace in your day, to take the positive of each day, and continue on your journey, as difficult as it maybe, you have to make that choice to find peace.
    When you can please see the journey of Ben Sauer, the amazing strength and faith of his Mother, as she lost her twin son at the age of 5 yesterday......I pray you read her blog, sad yes, but her faith and trust in God is amazing....and I pray it will guide you on your onward path to never give up, and know that Brinly and Jude are promised a place with him......blue4ben........

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  13. Your posts have brought me to tears. I also experienced PPROM at 19weeks 2 days and delivered my angel boy at 20weeks 5 days. I had him 2 days before Mother's Day in 2013. It's been a hard journey and grief definitely sneaks up on you sometimes. There is also a group on Facebook called Life After Pprom Loss. Not sure if you'd be interested in it, but I did find it helpful to be able to connect to women who've also gone through what we have. I'll be sending you my prayers.

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