Letting Go Kind Of

July 30, 2014

School starts early September and in my heart I know it's time to let Jude go by spreading his ashes.

It still feels surreal that I type that.  My daughter and son, died, and I have to plan a service for them.  Is this my life?

Brinly is buried in a mass grave the hospital does for free for babies lost before 20 weeks.  I quickly agreed to that because at the time my whole focus was on the live baby, Jude.  When he died, they asked if I wanted them cremated together.  I said no.  For some reason, they left this world at different times, it didn't bother me they wouldn't be buried together.  I'm still ok with that.

At first I wanted nothing to do with the ashes.  The whole thing scared me and made me feel creepy and weird.  My mother in law took care of the whole ordeal and found a cemetery where you could sprinkle them in a garden.  However, I panicked at that idea to and asked her to hold on while I sorted through the insane sadness and blurry grief storm I was in.

I thought of Multnomah Falls.  It's a beautiful falls here in the Northwest in the gorge.  We hike there every now and then.  It's special.  The idea came to me to spread his ashes there, in the water.  That way, I could "visit" him when I go there.  I figured that someday I could take our PLEASE GOD future kid/s there to tell them the story of Jude and Brinly, their older brother and sister. 

There is a part of me that doesn't want to spread them.  It's weird, I don't even have/want them in my house.  Pouring out the box is kind of over, the last time in this lifetime that I hold my son, even though we all know he has been in heaven for almost a year.  Someone suggested pouring out half, but we don't do that with bodies?  I just feel sad about it all.  But then I think that this might be a big step in the healing process.  Letting go.  Saying goodbye with my family with me.  Allowing myself to go there-the deepest darkest saddest places that linger in my soul that I try to forget about.  To weep yet again for the devastating loss.  The unfairness.  The pain that I felt.  That Jude and Brinly felt.

My mom asked "how do you want the day to go?"  I'm not sure.  I guess I say goodbye and my family can say anything they want.  Then, I asked my mom that maybe our family could say a prayer for us, right there, for healing and peace.  For bravery.  For courage.  For hope again.  For redemption.

I've always tried to live my life in a way honoring to God that models His values.  But I told my mom-how on earth would anyone want to choose to follow Christ when they witness something like this?  I'm a Christian, I asked for a child, I got pregnant with triplets, they all died.  From the outside, who would want anything to do with Jesus??  I know I wouldn't.  BUT Christ loves redemption.  It's not always how we plan it, see it, but over and over and over again He does make things right.  I myself have begun to lose hope in that; but of course, I want my story to end with redemption.  I still get goose bumps (in a sad way) that days before my water broke I even wrote those lyrics on a decorative board in my house I write quotes on-"let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends."  It was almost like my heart knew something was up.

All this to say, hopefully end of summer Darren and I will have the courage/strength to do a memorial service for him, for them, for us.  And then, take another step towards opening up to building the family. 

Lastly, as we work to slowly rebuild our faith, our hope in His goodness, our trust despite things we cannot fathom to understand, Hillsong's Ocean (acoustic version) is my current favorite worship song.  I cry every time I hear it.  Even though I still struggle to find words to say when I pray, this song helps fill in the blanks. <3

20 comments:

  1. I think this is such a brave thing to do. If this is going to provide healing/closure then as hard as it might be do it. Praying for peace and comfort.

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  2. I wish healing and peace for you both. You deserve nothing less.

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  3. It sounds so difficult to be planning this out, but also so important and special. Xo.

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  4. Multnomah Falls looks beautiful, and I think that you are right, this is part of the healing process.
    We took their ashes and drove along the coast, looking for a beautiful spot. Well, actually, first I sat in the car sobbing for quite a while, because I didn't want to do any of this.
    I hope that healing, hope and redemption will come. Take good care of yourself, and thanks for your sweet comment. It moved me to tears.

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  5. I hope that you can find some comfort in whatever you choose to do to honor your babies. Thinking of you, Holly.

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  6. You are so strong, brave and inspiring. Sending you hugs!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  7. Multnomah Falls is beautiful. If you do decide to spread his ashes there, I will be sure to think of him and say a prayer for him and you every time I visit. I'll probably do it anyway, even if you choose a different location!

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  8. "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while." (1 Peter 1:6-7).

    Your story has touched me so much. I think of you, and pray for your happiness daily, which seems so odd to me, as we have never met. I am so proud of you for continuing to walk in faith, even if it is mustard seed faith sometimes. You deserve a life of nothing but happiness and I pray always that it finds you.

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  9. I think about you almost daily Holly. I will be praying for you and Darren to have the strength that you need during this time. Please know that you are in my heart along with Brinly, Jude and your other angels. Love you friend.

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  10. Multnomah Falls is so beautiful and peaceful - sounds like a perfect place. I know this isn't easy, but glad you are taking that next step. My bro and SIL are still trying to decide what to do with my nephews ashes - you are a right - something no momma should have to face. Thinking about you!

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  11. I still think of you every. single. time that I hear the song "Say Something." I think of you, and pray for you and your sweet babies. And this song? Oceans by Hillsong? Well, this has been my anthem over the last few weeks. My husband and I just lost our second sweet baby last week. I try to be oh, so grateful because we have been blessed with one healthy little boy, but it still hurts beyond words to have lost 2 now. I am struggling with my faith right now because of this, and reading your words encourages me to hold fast, no matter how hard it may be. I keep the few words from my favorite verse on repeat in my mind because they are all that make sense to me at times right now..."Your grace is made perfect through weakness." Praying for a whole lot of grace for us both, Holly. Thank you for being so open and real. Praying for strength and comfort as you prepare to say a final goodbye to Jude. I know it won't be easy. But Jude and Brinly will be watching from above - you will feel them with you, so don't be afraid to allow yourself to feel.

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  12. Holly, no one should have to ponder these very difficult questions. I think the Falls would be the perfect place….when you're ready. Your faith and perseverance inspires me every day.

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  13. Such a special way to create a finale goodbye to your sweet son. It's very difficult and very BRAVE of you and I'll be thinking of you and Darren. xoxo

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  14. Holly, you really are very brave!! I don't know if I would have the guts to do that. Well, I lost three babies in 15 months, but none of them passed the mark of 8 weeks. I lost the last one in May. I thought it was our rainbow, finally we would give my only daughter a brother or sister... but no, it was not meant to be. Again. It's really hard not to lose Faith in God in this situation... but when I read your posts I have my Faith renewed... Jude and Brinly are in Heaven, and they will Always look sweetly at you and your husband from there... they'll always hold your hand in your dreams... I know my lost children do the same to me. Sometimes I can almost feel their faces in my fingers, the way I do with my little girl.
    Keep your bravery and your Faith.
    Best wishes
    Bia

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  15. I think of you, Darren, and the twins often--I don't think I'll ever forget your story. I desperately want a happy ending for you, the "redemption" that you speak of. I bet having a service for the twins and releasing Jude's ashes will be pivotal in your healing process, and those waterfalls are just beautiful--a perfect, sacred place. Wishing you all the best, XOXO

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  16. I've been reading the book One Thousand Gifts, and I've thought of you several times. I think it might help you in your healing. You should check it out before school starts.

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  17. I was searching for something on the internet tonight and I'm not even sure how I came across your blog, but it really struck a chord with me. My husband and i fought infertility issues for 4 years and endured 2 miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy that ended up with a healthy baby boy who is now 3. It was by no mistake that I ended up on your site, it was exactly where God intended for me to be. It amazes me how our Lord works in mysterious and wonderful ways! Prayer and faith is the key. When my husband and I were too weak to pray, when we had run out of words, or were simply too angry (and yes, it's ok to be angry)...there were others praying. When people ask me about our journey and our son, Jackson, I tell them all the same thing "He was prayed here", and I believe that with ounce of my being. You have incredible faith, in fact while reading your blog I felt ashamed of myself for not having faith as strong as yours and our journey was not even close to what you have had to endure. There were so many blessings we experienced in our journey, that I didn't recognize at the time, but now I see it so clearly. My relationship with God grew so strong because I began to truly count on Him for everything and trust him unconditionally. I see this relationship in you, it comes through in your words and your pain. I will now begin to pray for you. I will pray that God would grant you your heart's desire. I will pray that He will continue to comfort you and help you find peace in a way that only He can do. I will pray for you and your husband to hear His words and feel His arms holding you. I will pray that you would be able to give your burdens over to Him. And as Christians, I think it's so awesome that He allows us to empathize with others, that He lays it on our hearts to pray for others, and that He will even lead us to a stranger's blog that is in dire need of prayer. Only He knows what the days ahead will bring, the trials we will face, and the blessings we will receive. But starting today, you have a new prayer warrior on your side. If you feel you cannot pray, if you run out of words like we did, just know that God will still hear the prayers of others. May God bless you in this chapter of your life and the many many more to come :)

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  19. Hi Holly,
    It has been so long. I just want to say I am sorry and cried for your loss today even though we haven't seen each other in years. I too have had a sacred loss of children. It hurts beyond words. I don't know if you will have success but I pray the Holy Spirit will whisper to you as He did to me during the fear and anxiety of trying again.
    Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
    Melissa (Davis) Jensen

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