In Loving Memory of Brinly and Jude
March 16, 2015
This month I have gotten a few "reminders" of Jude and Brinly-two "Happy 1 year old Birthday" cards from their old registries included in that. Yesterday would have been their twin due date.
When I lost them I joined this great group on facebook for women who have lost all their multiples. In my deepest grief there was this small pool of strangers who 100% got it. The horror and pain of losing 18.104.22.168 babies during the same pregnancy. Many women had lost their twins+ years ago and were still so so sad. One person asked "Will I ever be happy again? If I go on to have more kids, will it help heal the loss?" Many people replied. Some said no, they were still sad daily even with their kids. One women wrote that after she had her rainbow son that there was so much love in her heart for him that there was no room for sadness for the twins she had lost. She explained that it was sad, and always would be, but that she was moving forward and putting all that love into her live son. I remembered that I wanted to choose that option. I personally don't want to go through each year saying "She would have been 2" "She would have started Kindergarden" "He would have been playing this with his cousin" etc. Because the reality of it is, no they would not have. They died, there is no "would have been."
We have decided that each year, on March 15 we will do something kind in their honor and make it some kind of a special family holiday. Maybe when the boys are older we will take them to the falls where we spread Jude's ashes. If I am being perfectly honest, now that I have Noah and Beckom the pain is more like a distant painful memory in comparison to the overwhelming can't-breathe type of pain I was experiencing last year. The whole thing is bittersweet-If we had Jude and Brinly we would not have transferred 2 more embryos at once meaning we would never have had Noah and Beckom. All this to say that I find that I have fallen into the category that I had hoped to. So full of love for Noah and Beckom that I am not daily sobbing about the loss of Jude and Brinly. I will forever have a sad spot in my heart but I am also so grateful to get to raise their little siblings.
For those that are new to the story, here is a very sad video of our pregnancy and then loss of Jude and Brinly I made days after they died. I won't forget them and I won't stop honoring them by doing kind things in their honor on this day. <3