In Loving Memory of Brinly and Jude

March 16, 2015

This month I have gotten a few "reminders" of Jude and Brinly-two "Happy 1 year old Birthday" cards from their old registries included in that.  Yesterday would have been their twin due date.

When I lost them I joined this great group on facebook for women who have lost all their multiples.  In my deepest grief there was this small pool of strangers who 100% got it.  The horror and pain of losing babies during the same pregnancy.  Many women had lost their twins+ years ago and were still so so sad.  One person asked "Will I ever be happy again?  If I go on to have more kids, will it help heal the loss?"  Many people replied.  Some said no, they were still sad daily even with their kids.  One women wrote that after she had her rainbow son that there was so much love in her heart for him that there was no room for sadness for the twins she had lost.  She explained that it was sad, and always would be, but that she was moving forward and putting all that love into her live son.  I remembered that I wanted to choose that option.  I personally don't want to go through each year saying "She would have been 2"  "She would have started Kindergarden" "He would have been playing this with his cousin" etc.  Because the reality of it is, no they would not have.  They died, there is no "would have been."

We have decided that each year, on March 15 we will do something kind in their honor and make it some kind of a special family holiday.  Maybe when the boys are older we will take them to the falls where we spread Jude's ashes.  If I am being perfectly honest, now that I have Noah and Beckom the pain is more like a distant painful memory in comparison to the overwhelming can't-breathe type of pain I was experiencing last year.  The whole thing is bittersweet-If we had Jude and Brinly we would not have transferred 2 more embryos at once meaning we would never have had Noah and Beckom.  All this to say that I find that I have fallen into the category that I had hoped to.  So full of love for Noah and Beckom that I am not daily sobbing about the loss of Jude and Brinly.  I will forever have a sad spot in my heart but I am also so grateful to get to raise their little siblings.

For those that are new to the story, here is a very sad video of our pregnancy and then loss of Jude and Brinly I made days after they died.  I won't forget them and I won't stop honoring them by doing kind things in their honor on this day.  <3

Microblog Monday #Winning

March 9, 2015

So I've heard the horror stories of the great "Spring Forward" messing up baby schedules.  Since I'm such an amazing, perfect, awesome mom (please read with sarcasm), I decided to start early to help my little love bugs adjust early.  I was actually very proud of this great mommy-move. They usually go to bed at 8 and wake up at 8.  So, after much discussion, thought, and planning, I bumped it up an hour so they could adjust to spring forward and got them on a perfect 9-9 schedule.  All was well until last night when it was bedtime.  Our main clock hadn't yet been sprung forward and it said 7:00 pm when the new clock said 8:00.  I DID IT BACKWARDS.  So for the last few days my kids have been going to bed closer to the new 10.  We will adjust but now I might have them 2 hours off instead of 1.  #Winning

Also, side note.  On Tuesday last week I all the sudden had this really strong feeling to pray for my little embryos being biopsied.  I just knew it was happening in that moment (they didn't tell what day it was going to happen, just sometime in the first week of March).  Sure enough, I got a call that afternoon that all 6 had been de-frosted and biopsied.  Now we wait for the results.

Lastly, since Oh Baby, Baby has been the story of our infertility, I am starting a new blog that is about life with Noah and Beckom (I'll post link soon).  When I was deep in the trenches of loss and infertility the last thing I wanted to see was babies popping up on my feeds. I plan to keep this blog to update on our fertility/family building attempts and to talk about Jude and Brinly, my first born twins that were born still.

If you want to see more current pictures of Noah and Beckom, my instagram is hbenson10

Happy Monday!! If you ever need advise on how to help your kid adjust to time changes, I'm just a message away ;)

The Rest of the Frozen Embryos?

March 3, 2015

About two years into our infertility we did our first IVF which resulted in 6 "5 day" Blastocysts.  We transferred two and told since I was young and since these were such high quality-the odds of pregnancy were very high.  One embryo implanted but resulted in an almost immediate miscarriage (a blighted ovum) that eventually was removed via D&C.

We waited the three month minimum and went back for our first even frozen embryo transfer.  My lining was perfect, they de-frosted magnificently, and I was SURE at least one would stick.  My HCG at the beta blood test wasn't even one. 

Although we had two more frozen embryos from this cycle left, we were beginning to wonder if we had a "bad batch."  We had already paid a package for another fresh cycle, so we decided to move forward with that.  For those that have followed on long for awhile, this 2nd IVF result in 7 "5 day" Blastocysts and 2 "borderline" blasts they froze on day 6.  With four failures behind me in embryo world I boldly (and desperately) said:  Transfer 3.

All 3 stuck.  I saw it.  Three heartbeats.  I saw them at 6.5 weeks, 7.5 weeks, and at 8 weeks.  We were scared and thrilled all at once.  I began to get excited.  I had never seen heartbeats in my body and three???  I felt as if it was a miracle.  I loved them.  I like a good challenge and I was confident Team D and H could handle and succeed at raising triplets.  Long story short, I randomly miscarried one at 9 weeks exactly, went on with a healthy twin pregnancy of a boy and girl until my water randomly broke at 17 weeks-a rare and random condition call pPROM that impacts like .07% of the population.  I delivered my daughter Brinly at 18 weeks and my son Jude at 21 weeks.  Although 3 embryos took, I lost them all. 

In-between failed transfers and my triplet pregnancy, I would make sure to yell out "Hi babies, I love you!" Every time we drove by OHSU (where our frozen embryos are stored).  I partly yelled this because I did/do love them, and partly to annoy my husband. 

After losing my triplets, we had 8 frozen embryos left-2 from that first cycle were the previous ones didn't take, and 6 from the Jude and Brinly's cycle.  When our amazing friend Becky stepped forward to carry our embryos for us, we transferred 2 from the 2nd cycle and both took.  Noah and Beckom Benson were almost born to the date a year after I delivered their older brother Jude.

So, as a recap 4 embryos resulted in nothing but 1 very early miscarriage.
5 resulted in a pregnancy-w a 9 week miscarriage that may have related to triplets, so technically 4 pregnancies-I didn't lose Jude and Brinly due to bad embryo quality-it was due to lame cervix.

We are 4 for 9, under 50%

We have six left on ice (which are in theory our lowest quality ones but still with high grades).  We want to give them a chance but since I can never risk carrying twins again, the idea of transferring one. at. a. time. seems so overwhelmingly hard.  I can't do it emotionally.  I'm horrified of pregnancy and miscarriage.

We have decided to pay to have the embryos genetically tested and it will take place this month.

It's fascinating really.  They defrost all 6, and remove 1 cell and then refreeze them.  They send the 1 cell off to a genetic testing company where there they can determine some diseases, gender, and most importantly, if the embryo has the right amount of cells to become a successful pregnancy.  Although we have 6 great-rated blastocysts, it doesn't mean they would all implant.  If they are missing chromosomes, I would have another failed cycle or early miscarriage.

Obviously we are in no rush.  We are in love with our sons.  I guess my mind has been so infertility obsessed for these past 4 years, I want to know what we are dealing with.  I need to know.  I don't want to spend years wondering if any are normal.  If none are normal-we have our answer.  We can have closure and not a big "what if some day" hanging over our heads.

If a couple are normal than there are some frozen transfers in our future.  Even if there are some normal ones, they are not "guaranteed" success.  They are given 80% success rate in a fresh cycle-mine will have been frozen, de-frosted and biopsied, refroze, and then unfroze again-not exactly what happens in normal pregnancy.

We get the results by the end of the month.

My Bucket List:

My Bucket List: