It Is Well

March, 2017

I have been working on this post FOREVER!!  Sorry for the late late end of a new beginning.  Judah entered this world exactly 4 months ago. 

If you are new too my blog and deep in the depths of infertility, I am so sorry.  I know the ache of multiple failed IUIs, failed IVFs, failed FETs, early miscarriage, miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat, and the agony of stillborn twins.  I know the overwhelming fear you can feel physically as your mind begins to worry that maybe you will never have a child.  That nothing will work.  That you will fall into that small small percentage of people who can't have a child, can't afford adoption or fertility treatments.  I know the feeling of gambling our $ hoping that we can just have a baby.  I know how it feels to cry out to God for help for years and hear nothing.  I know the deep feeling that develops in your throat with every pregnancy announcement as you try with all you have to be happy for them and sad for you.  I see you. I get you.  It was 3 years ago I sat at the churches candle light service empty handed although I had just help my son before saying good-bye.  Miracles still happen.  For all you are, with all that you have, if you still have the desire to have a baby, a sibling, keep fighting, keep praying, keep hoping.  Don't let infertility defeat you and rob you.  She tries to ruin so many of our lives by stealing our times and haunting our worries.  She can't win. If you ever need to talk/vent/ask me questions about anything related to loss, infertility, IVF, medications, inducing lactation, gestational surrogacy, and, lol, "raising boys" I love supporting other women #tribedemama

My live twin boys were born in 2014 via an amazing woman/gestational carrier.  I attempted this pregnancy.   Little Judah Tim Benson made his grand entrance at exactly 38 weeks 11/23, a half hour before Thanksgiving day.  We didn't know it till later but Judah means Thanksgiving.

Pregnancy after loss is scary and the whole 9 months I felt like I was waiting for something to go wrong.  This Bethel song "it is well" was one of the most supporting songs I had

I had 0 Braxton hicks or false labor throughout the pregnancy so I was sure that with murphy's law I would end up having to be induced.  The MFM was a bit concerned because the ultrasound was showing Judah weighed 8lb 9oz at 37 weeks.

I won't go into a long labor story, but here are the main events.  I had planned on a natural birth but went in with a very very open minded birth plan.

On Monday night, 11/22 I went to acupuncture to "induce labor"

At 6 pm that night contractions started.  At first I didn't think much but by 8:00 it was a pattern, by 9:00 every 5 minutes, so by 10:30 we headed to the hospital. 

I was only 2 cm dilated but contractions were strong.  They had me walk around for an hour to see if I would progress.  I did so they admitted me and we called in the moms.  We had decided to invite both my mom and Darren's mom to come witness it all. 

I labored naturally for 12 hours but was barely progressing.  At 5 cm I decided to get the epidural; at the rate it was going I thought the labor could last for days and I was exhausted.  I needed energy to make it through the day and I hadn't slept that night.  I felt super depressed after getting it since I so passionately wanted to experience natural birth.  Maybe it's because I didn't carry/labor Noah and Beckom, but I wanted to feeeel him come out. 

The afternoon was uneventful and I visited with the moms and tried to sleep.  Every hour they checked and I wasn't progressing which was also discouraging.

Around 4pm I started feeling contractions again.  They got harder and harder.  The anesthesiologist assured me that all was working, but by 6 I was in "transition" having contractions every 50 seconds that were long.  I lost it.  I thought I could use my breathing techniques but holy mother. The on call Dr. came in and affirmed what we knew.  The epidural was 100% gone.  They tried to get me to push but I couldn't.  I had nothing left.

They gave me the option to have a 2nd epidural with a 50% chance it would work; let me just say, I was no longer "depressed" about this option.  I said yes, it worked.  They had me rest for an hour and I started pushing around 9:30pm.  I was informed that Judah was "stuck" as he was sunny side up. After 1.5 hours of pushing with little progress, Dr. Coleman suggested forceps (think huge metal salad tongs).  They pulled Judah out with them.  I felt it.  It hurt.  But I was so happy to be experiencing a birth that ended in a live baby that I didn't care.

 Here is a pic of the little love right before heading home.  We were concerned from the first few hours he would be a grouchy little guy and this pic didn't help the concern.  Such a big scowl!

Today baby JT turns 4 months.  He loves to eat and almost weight 18 pounds.  I have only seen him roll over 3 times ever.  He giggles.  He spits up a lot.  He goes from 0-10 in 3 seconds with incredibly loud screams if he is hungry or tired.  He gives me 6-9 hour stretches at night.  I feel more attached to him than ever and I feel immense guilt going back to work.

This Christmas I returned to my childhood church, sitting in the same area I had sat just 3 years before.  Our carrier Becky and her husband Tom, along with my family all attended.  We sang this Christmas song called Hope Has Come and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with how far hope has carried us.  I saw my THREE little boys sitting among our group.  

It. is. well. 

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